I Don't Love You

Catastrophic Hymns From Yesterday

I hum under my breath the tune of some Green Day song. The lobby is clear with the exception of Jane, the girl in charge of tickets, but she has both headphones in with a comic book open in front of her, paying me no mind. The next movie won’t start for another thirty minutes, each theatre already filled with whatever moviegoers are coming for the time being. I think Brian is somewhere in the back room, probably taking inventory or sleeping on the job-- Both are possible, though I don’t really care enough to check.

I rearrange a few boxes of candy, building a tower in the glass case which proceeds to fall over and I have to clean it up again. When I get bored of that, I start filling the popcorn machine with kernels. It’s when I’m shutting the door that I hear the almost silent voice behind me. “Frank?”

I turn around, seeing Mikey over the counter, shuffling awkwardly on his feet. “Hey,” I smile again, not nearly as warm as before. “You need something?”

Mikey quickly shakes his head and produces a pack of cigarettes from his jeans pocket, holding them up for me to see. “Can you go out?”

Balling up a clean napkin, I throw it in Jane’s direction. She looks up through a curtain of black hair when the trash hits her book, pulling one earbud out. “I’m going on break,” I tell her. “Cover the counter?”

Jane replies with a thumbs up and resumes reading. I look back to Mikey and nod, following him outside the theatre. It’s nearing sunset, the evening Jersey air feeling humid and suffocating as the sun casts a strange orange glow on everything. I imagine a fire in the distant horizon, a ball of flaming gas as big as the sun eating everything in its disastrous path, though it’s nothing more than the usual city skyline.

Leaning back against the brick wall, I pull out my own cigarettes and light one up. Mikey follows suit, his movements more awkward than mine. I can tell he wants to say something to me, but he’s silent for a long moment. Eventually he sighs, letting out a stream of smoke, and meets my eyes. “You going on the Senior trip?” He wonders.

Mikey was an insanely smart kid. He’s younger than me, skipped a grade a few years back and ended up in the same grade as me. Some people called him the “smart son,” which probably pissed Gerard off, but he didn’t show it; He seemed happy that his brother was in the same grade as he was.

I roll my eyes with a soft chuckle. “Unfortunately,” I mutter. Mikey furrows his brow in confusion and I quickly shake my head. Of course, he’s not aware of my living situation with Bob. He’s not aware that my parents kicked me out of the house six months ago. He didn’t stick around long enough to find out. “I mean yeah. It sounds like it should be fun, right?”

Mikey nods slowly and takes another drag. Awkward silence falls again and after a few long moments, I decide to break it. “If you don’t want to be seen with me, I can go back inside.”

Mikey looks up, surprised by my words. “Why wouldn’t I want to be seen with you?”

“Because everyone is embarrassed by me now,” I retort with a humorless laugh. I flick some ash off of my cigarette, watching it fall like snow to the concrete beneath me. “Since people found out, they’re hiding like it’s fucking contagious.”

Now it’s Mikey’s turn to laugh. “Being gay isn’t contagious, Frankie.”

I make a vague sound of agreement. “Your brother seems to think differently.”

Mikey sighs heavily and shakes his head. “My brother is an insecure jackass. You of all people know that. You used to know him better than anyone.”

“Used to being the operative words there,” I point out. I raise the cigarette to my lips and frown. I decide I’m done with this conversation and push off the wall, dropping the fag to the ground and grinding it under my foot. And I’m done with dancing around the subject. I turn to face Mikey and cross my arms. “If you’re not embarrassed to be seen with me, then why don’t we hang out anymore? You barely even talk to me.”

Mikey looks down, actually looking embarrassed this time. He squirms under my gaze and shrugs. “Because he’s my brother,” He finally admits in a small voice. “Because when you started fighting--”

“You mean when Gerard started hating me,” I correct. “I never did shit to him.”

Mikey sighs again and meets my eyes, looking nothing more than apologetic. “I had to take a side,” He continues. His voice has a defensive edge to it now. “I know he’s a jackass and he’s an idiot, but he’s my brother.”

I bite down on my lip and feel a sudden chill that has nothing to do with the weather. I know that Mikey is right in choosing his brother’s side-- I would have done the same thing-- but it stings to hear the truth. So I force another smile. “Well it was nice talking to you again,” I admit. “But I’ve gotta get back to work. And Gerard is probably wondering where you are.” And with that, I turn away from Mikey and go back inside, leaving him to finish his cigarette alone.