Words (Muke)

Thirteen: Empty

"I wanted to write down exactly what I felt, but somehow the page stayed empty. And I could not have described it any better"

~WTM

Michael's still out. It's only been a few hours, but he can feel his resolve slipping. Luke's voice is quieter than before and Michael's fighting to hold on.

For Luke, Michael. He tells himself. And he can hear Luke's voice echoing him. For me, Michael. Hang on for me. And so Michael finds a hold on reality and grips tightly. Of course it's all in his head, but it has to be enough because it's all he has.

He feels sort of empty. He can almost feel, but it's like there's something missing and he can't figure it out. He knows something's not right. He knows there's something off, but there's no telling what it is.

Luke. Michael draws up images to distract himself and the hole in his chest fills slightly.

He needs Luke.

"I'm right here, Mikey,"

Michael knows this voice isn't one he conjured up. This is the real thing this time. He can feel it. Luke is in the room. His heart speeds up and he can feel the ghost of something on what has to be his hand. Luke's hand.

He can't break the spell however. He can't wake up no matter how hard he tries. He knows Luke's there, he can hear him, but in the room with Luke Michael's body stays completely still. It's only in his head that he's struggling.

It's as if he's chained down. He can almost feel the chains restraining him, and he fights. He fights so desperately, finding the energy from some unknown source.

He needs to wake up for Luke.

"I'm okay. Just a little bruised. But you're a little worse. Nothing broken so that's good, but they had to go straight into surgery. I'm not exactly sure why, but it worked so you're going to be okay," there's a long pause before Luke keeps talking. "When you wake up you're going to have to tell Ash and Cal, some stupid nurse started asking questions, but it's alright baby. They aren't upset, well...not at you at least. We can deal with that when you wake up. You have to wake up Mike. I'm not losing you to some freak accident. I'm not losing you at all. I love you,"

And then there's another voice Michael thinks is telling Luke he needs to go, but Luke's voice is the only one that penetrates Michael's unconscious state.

And then the slight pressure is gone from Michael's hand and he feels empty again, and suddenly he doesn't want to wake up. If he dies because of some freak accident then it would hurt everyone else less wouldn't it? Accidental death is better than suicide right? And after all Michael's wanted to die for so long, why should some guy he loves change that?

This is how he passes his time. When Luke's there Michael feels whole and he wants to stay, he wants to wake up for Luke. But when Luke's not there...Michael doesn't exactly like talking about it. Or thinking about it, but that much can't be helped.

He's not sure he can live like this either. He feels bi-polar. Like he's a balancing act. Luke keeps him going, but Michael knows he'll never be truly okay. If he lets go it'll all go away. Everything, but that means losing Luke, and Michael isn't sure he can give him up just yet.

So Michael decides to hold on for just a little longer, because he wants more time with Luke. He's not sure if this is for Luke's benefit or his own, but Michael has always stuck to his decisions ones they've been made. He'll stay for now. But a nagging voice is telling his it's futile and all for nothing. But it's for Luke, and Luke is everything.