Words (Muke)

Twenty-Four: Saudade

(n.) a deep, nostalgic, and melancholic longing for something or someone, often accompanied with a denied fact that what one longs for will never come back.

Luke can't decide how he feels. He's not sad. That's not a strong enough word. He's not crushed, or devastated. He's never felt pain like this before, but he can't say it hurts, or that it's excruciating. He tries to think like Michael would and come up with some really smart and big word that would fit his mood perfectly. But when he does he can't breath and the walls of the car Ashton's driving start spinning and blurring.

He's aware that he's crying, but he couldn't care any less. He's aware that there are heartbreaking sobs causing Calum to flinch, but he can't find it in him to try to stop.

Deleterious. He remembers Michael telling him about it once. He remembers it to mean harmful and Luke thinks that it can relate to him. He's harmful in that moment. He's hurting Calum and Ashton and knows that he'll hurt his mum. But deleterious isn't the word he's looking for.

"Luke,"

Luke's head snaps towards Ashton and the older boy breaks a little bit.

"We're here," Ashton tells him.

Luke nods, but he doesn't move. Ashton gets out and so does Calum and Calum opens Luke's door.

"C'mon buddy," Calum says gently taking one of Luke's arms.

The second he can, Ashton grabs his other arm and they half carry half guide Luke into the hospital. Luke's seen the movies where the hospitals are always flooded with people running around wildly, but the truth may be worse.

He doesn't see any doctors. There's a nurse talking to a receptionist and an elderly lady filling out some forms, but there is no doctor saving someone's life and no wife sobbing into another ones chest. They interrupt the nurse talking to the receptionist and ask about Michael.

Luke knows the news will be bad before it's delivered. The receptionist looks at the nurse who turns to them with a smile and Luke wants to punch him. He doesn't want the sympathy in the smile and the pity that's soon to come.

"Mr. Clifford's in intensive care right now. His blood is being replenished and he's on an oxygen tank. His heart has needed to be restarted three times since he showed up. I don't want to discourage you, but I'm not going to lie,"

Luke wants to scream. He wants so yell at the man. He knows that the nurse is trying to tell them that Michael is dying. He knows that he's trying not to say it, but Luke can hear the real words.

Mr. Clifford is going to die, but we don't want to have to comfort a bunch of teenagers. He's not going to make it. He's lost to much blood. He can't breathe on his own. His heart's barely working. He's dying. We are just keeping a corpse breathing for your sake. You didn't call us fast enough. You couldn't get to him on time.

But Luke doesn't scream. "Don't call him Mr. Clifford,"

"Excuse me?" it's obvious that the nurse wasn't expecting that.

"Don't call him Mr. Clifford. He's punk rock. His dad's Mr. Clifford. Mr. Clifford is an alcoholic who beats his son and makes him feel worthless. Michael is not Mr. Clifford," Luke rants.

He's cut off by his own sob and the nurse puts a hand on his shoulder that Luke shrugs off. He doesn't want to be touched by anyone who isn't Michael. He's suddenly aware of Ashton and Calum holding him up and he moves away from them.

"Please just take us to him," Ashton begs.

The nurse smiles and guides them into an elevator.

Michael's dying.