Loving Luke | muke [c]

Four

The day Luke left for Melbourne, it felt like he was physically tearing my chest open and yanking my heart out with his own bare hands. It felt like he had pushed me into the sea and left me there to drown, silently screaming for help as the water fill my lungs and pull me under. If I were to drown, that'd be in my own tears. The day Luke left for Melbourne, I managed to feel more alone than I ever did in my whole entire life, I managed to feel invisible, small, helpless, defenceless, vulnerable. I was a mess, inside and out. But Luke didn't even know. Luke was too busy hugging Alessandro and talking excitedly about how their life in Melbourne was going to be. 

I hadn't actually properly spoken to Luke in months. I was mentally preparing myself for his departure ever since the day he told me he'd be moving to Melbourne with Ale. I wasn't even worried about him not getting into UniMelb; I knew Luke could do whatever he set his mind to. Which was why I knew Luke would be absolutely fine in Melbourne without me. He had set his mind to being happy with Ale, building a life with Ale, being completely and utterly in love with Ale. He wouldn't even notice my absence, just how he barely noticed it in the last few months I always came up with excuses not to hang out with him, not to go over to his house or have him come over to mine. They were lonely months, but nothing felt lonelier than that moment.

I was sitting by the window in my room, knees brought up to chest and head leaning against the warm glass. The sun was shining heavily on me, making my skin start to burn. I knew that if I stayed there much longer, I'd get a pretty bad sunburn, but in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to move as I gasped for air, letting the tears stream down my face freely. The only people who could possibly walk into my room and see me in such a state were my parents. And it wasn't like they didn't already know I was hurting, it wasn't like they didn't already know Luke was everything I could ever want in my life. I just wondered if they even had a clue that I was born without a soulmate. I wondered if that ever crossed their minds.

A quick knock on my door made me jump slightly, hands reaching up to dry the tears that streamed down my now rosy cheeks as I turned my head towards the door. "Yes?"

"Mikey." My mum murmured as she opened the door just enough so she could stick her head inside my room. "Are you sure you don't want to go say goodbye to Luke?"

I bit down on my lower lip as I looked out the window again. I couldn't see Luke's house from my bedroom window, but I could see the street where we first learned to ride our bikes. I could see the park we used to sneak out to at two am when we were thirteen and just sat there on the grass, looking up at the stars. I could see the rose bush Luke once fell into when he was learning to ride his skateboard, and smiled as I remembered seeing him standing up full of little cuts on his arms and legs from the thorns. I could see the doors of all the houses we used to knock on during Halloween as we asked for candy. From my bedroom window I couldn't see Luke and I couldn't see his house, but I could see our entire childhood displayed before me; all the memories that would always have a place in my heart, even if they didn't have a place in his anymore. 

"He doesn't need my goodbyes." I sighed, pulling my knees closer to my chest as I leaned my chin on my knee. "He doesn't need me anymore."

"Honey," Mum cooed, entering the room and softly closing the door behind her. She walked over to where I was seated, kneeling down next to me as her hand cupped my cheek. "Of course Luke needs you! You're his best friend, Mikey, he loves you." 

"All he cares about is Alessandro. He doesn't even know I exist anymore." I shook my head angrily, hiding my face so my mother didn't have to see me cry. I knew how much she hated it when I cried, I knew how much it broke her heart. I didn't want to break my mum's heart, because at that moment, I knew how much a broken heart could hurt. I didn't want my mother hurting like I was. "He's better off without me, anyways."