Loving Luke | muke [c]

Twenty Six

I hated confrontation. I despised it with every single cell of my body and if it could be avoided, it would. This time, however, I knew it couldn't. I was shaking, gripping onto the steering wheel as I blinked away the tears on my way home. I didn't know how Luke had gotten home, but my one guess was that he had taken a cab and would arrive not long before I would. Sitting in silence as I drove down the freeway was slowly driving me insane, thinking of everything I could possibly say to Luke. Thinking of everything he could possibly say to me. Thinking of everything that could come from our inevitable confrontation. I didn't want to be in that situation.

I sighed heavily as I parked the car in our driveway, seeing the lights on through the closed curtains meaning Luke was already there. My heart slammed against my ribcage, my stomach did flips and my hands gripped tightly to the hem of the black t-shirt I was wearing. Long shaky breaths escaped my lips as I took slow hesitant steps towards the front door of my shared house with Luke. A year ago, I would never have thought I would be standing there, walking closer and closer to the blond I had loved my entire life, ready to pour my heart out to him. I never thought I'd be leaving him, either.

I pushed the front door open, listening to it creak in its hinges as I took a step into the house, eyes roaming around our messy living room for any sign of Luke. There was no movement around, no sounds except for the scratching of Armani's nails against the laundry door in a plea to free him. I closed my eyes, taking another slow step into the house I still didn't know if I could call a home as I pushed the door shut with my back. Biting down on my lower lip, I let the back of my head hit the wooden surface, still trying to keep myself from crying. I didn't want to cry; not right now, not ever again. Not for Luke. 

"Luke?" I breathed out shakily. I got no response, not even any muffled sounds coming from the general direction of his room. 

I slammed my head against the door, feeling a sudden burst of anger inside me as I pushed myself up, stomping across the living room floor, scattered with chew toys, papers and guitar cables. My eyebrows were furrowed and my fists were clenched, feet guiding me to Luke's room with no fear of the outcome. At that moment, every single feeling I had repressed throughout the years were all coming out. This was supposed to be about me. My night, my birthday, my internship. This was not about Luke and I would make sure he knew who this was about. I swung the door open, expecting to find Luke laying in bed, but was surprised to see the room was empty. I groaned in frustration, slamming the door shut as I crossed the corridor in hopes of finding him in my room. Once again, nothing.

"Luke, for fuck's sake." I whispered to myself, making my way to the back garden, the only place Luke could be if he had indeed come home. 

I stopped in my tracks as I reached the sliding back doors, eyes instantly landing on the silhouette sitting by the pool, back turned to me. He looked small, shoulders hunched and head hanging low, and I could see from the way his body was moving that Luke was crying. I stood there, watching. I couldn't do anything. Not because I enjoyed seeing Luke cry, but because it was such a rare sight that I wasn't even sure what to do about it. I sighed, sliding the door open in hopes of seeing the blond turn around to look at me. He didn't, it was almost like he didn't know I was there.

"Okay," I murmured, feeling every shred of anger dissolve into thin air as I heard the hiccups and soft cries coming from the blond. I couldn't bring myself to be mad at him while seeing him like that. But part of me still felt hurt over the fact Luke seemed to think it was okay for him to leave me and not for me to leave him. "I think we need to talk."

"We needed to talk before you just decided to move to Greece." Luke sniffled, turning his face away as he heard my footsteps nearing him from his left side. I hated seeing Luke turn away from me, like all the other times he had turned away. Not literally, but metaphorically. Literally only made it sting ten times worse. "Without even discussing it with me."

"What?" I laughed dryly. "Like you decided to move to Melbourne without discussing it with me?"

Luke's head was quick to snap round, angry eyes staring back at me in a way they never had before. I could see Luke was not himself; he was either more upset about me leaving than I ever thought he could be or there was something else upsetting him. The more I tried to figure Luke out, the more lost I became and at that moment, the code was just too hard to crack. Luke had let his feelings out with no backstory and I had no idea how willing I was to dig up the stories behind what he felt. With every ticking second of having Luke look at me in that way, the more I realised how I was slowly but surely detaching from him. This was what I had wanted all along, but seeing it happen, right in front of my eyes, was scary. If I detached from Luke, what would I attach to?

"This is not the same thing." Luke sneered. "Don't you dare bring Alessandro into this."

I shook my head as I let out a long sigh, fingers raking through my hair. "Luke, I'm not going to argue with you on this. This is my life and I'm tired of living my life for you. This is what I'm going to do and that's that."

"Living your life for me?" Luke stood up abruptly, furrowing his eyebrows. "I'm not asking you to live your life for me!" He bit down on his lower lip, shaking his head furiously as he looked up at the sky, and I could see the tears were about to come yet again even before Luke's shoulders shook and soft whimpers escaped his lips. "I just want the people I love to stop fucking leaving me. I just want to have someone. My soulmate is dead and my best friend is abandoning me and I don't know how I'm going to handle this."

"Stop!" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air. I could see Luke jump in surprise, staring at me with his eyes wide. "Stop playing the victim card! I was abandoned by my best friend when you went to Melbourne and guess what? I had no soulmate either. You packed your fucking bags and you left without a single care in the world for me and I let you do it because that was what was best for you. How selfish can you be to not let me do what's best for me?"

"I left for my soulmate!" Luke shrieked, balling his fists and taking a step closer to me. I could tell he was going to push me, but I managed to stand up straight and keep my ground. Luke visibly recoiled, frowning. "I moved across the country, you're going to a different continent. How can you even compare the two?"

I sighed, looking down at my shoes. I was tired of this. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to have to explain myself to Luke when, with him being my best friend, he should be capable of understanding why I was doing what I was doing and he should be supportive of it. "You know what, Luke? You are so selfish. I can't believe how I put up with this for so many years. You're clueless and blind to what's right in front of you and I can't believe I ever considered you my best friend."

I turned around, taking one single step towards the sliding doors until Luke's voice stopped me. His voice was calm, and I could hear the pain in it, causing my heart to cave in. I couldn't believe I was allowing myself to regret my decision of doing something for myself. I couldn't believe Luke had me so good that he could make me question this even further with a single question. "Why am I not good enough, Michael?" I didn't reply, taking yet another step. I knew that if I turned around to look at Luke, if I tried to explain everything to him, I would change my mind. I knew I would and I couldn't allow myself to do so. "Where are you going?" He breathed.

"I'm walking away." I replied as I clenched my jaw to keep myself from crying too. Literally and metaphorically, this was something I should have done ages ago.

~~~

urgh.