Loving Luke | muke [c]

I want to leave

I don't know why I'm writing this, honestly.

Although I don't think I necessarily have the obligation to give you guys a reason why I don't want to be on Wattpad anymore, I do feel like I'm being a bit too harsh if I just disappear and don't say anything. But then again, I might not even be gone for long or, actually, knowing me, I might end up not even leaving. I want to open my heart to you guys, because I feel like I don't really do this, and I don't know, this might make me feel better. Hopefully. 

Most of you won't even bother to read, but that's okay. 

I am sad. I am very incredibly sad, and because my family doesn't actually believe in mental disorders, I avoid saying that I am depressed. But I am. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and the truth of the matter is that my parents have done nothing about it since it was diagnosed two years ago. Okay, bad parenting. But I have learned to deal with it, to pull myself out of situations that I know will get out of hand. It's all ups and downs and it's always up to me to try and push myself out of the black hole every time. It gets easier sometimes, but I know eventually it'll get bad again, and I have learned to deal with that for a while.

But I am now in a country where I don't know anyone, my dad leaves for work before I wake up and comes home after I'm asleep. I have no one else in Perth, I have no one else in this whole damn country. I don't get phone calls from my mother, I don't get messages from my brother. My uncle and aunt who I used to live with don't even bother to ask me how life is going. I am more alone than I have ever been in my life and it's getting really hard to push myself out this time. Getting out of bed is a mission, getting out of the house is a mission. Doing anything has become a mission again and I'm getting so tired of trying to actually be arsed to do things.

Writing has become such a task, but I'm still doing it because I know writing can usually make me feel better. And please don't think that I'm doing this just to ask for votes and comments because this is not what it's about, but pushing myself to write decent chapters and getting minimal feedback on it always kicks me down to my lowest. I feel invisible anywhere I go and it's not being any different here, where I actually make an effort to please people; where I go out of my way to try and write good stories and good chapters and develop good characters. But right now, all I keep thinking is 'what for?' 

It's not because it's not getting votes/comments, but because I genuinely feel like no one is liking it. It feels like no one really even cares anymore because everything has turned to shit and I feel like the shittiest writer. I know I always say this, and you guys always say it's not true. But I am honestly the most insecure person I have ever met in my whole entire life and I know my insecurities show through even though I wish they didn't. I constantly feel like I'm failing you guys and I'm tired of failing everyone.

I just don't want to fail anyone, for once, and Wattpad has just become a big reminder of how good I am at failing people I don't ever want to fail.

I'm sorry for this long whatever-this-is, but I needed to get it off my chest.

See ya,

Jules x