Loving Luke | muke [c]

Twenty Seven

I had lost a big chunk of myself throughout the last few months. With Luke being gone and then Luke coming back, things had seemed to spiral completely out of order and completely out of my control. One moment, I was completely dependant on the blond I had loved for as long as I could remember. And then all of a sudden I was an independent person who wanted to do things for myself. Alternating between the two was tiring and honestly something I wished would just stop. I wish I could just pull the plug on everything I had ever felt towards Luke and move on with my life. But then I'd look into those ocean blue eyes and hope he would move on with his life after Ale and just fall in love with me instead. It was a never ending cycle and I was sick of it.

I had been sitting on my childhood bed for the past five days, getting up only to eat and shower. I had lost the will to go outside and do stuff, to face Luke and tell him everything that was wrong and everything that I felt. Even when Mum came into my room the night before yesterday telling me that Luke was back in the hospital, I did nothing about it. I told her I had no strength whatsoever to get out of bed and go see him. I told her I couldn't deal with it and I wouldn't deal with it. Not because I didn't care for Luke, but because I had to care for myself more. I spent the rest of the night awake wondering what had been going wrong and the same question persisted, up until now. I had been sat looking out of the window at the familiar view for the past forty minutes, trying to come up with a way to cheer myself up and get me back on my feet. Walking away from Luke never felt so numb as it did at that moment. 

I closed my eyes as I heard a knock on the door. I expected it to be my mother, telling me to come down for lunch or something of the sorts, but I was surprised to see the lot of brown hair that peeped into my room, followed by the squint brown eyes of my former Kiwi roommate. Calum seemed the same, Ashton seemed the same. They had split up and maintained their friendship and living agreement and everything was fine between them. Why was it that things between Luke and I weren't fine? Why was it that Luke and I hadn't remained the same? Calum smiled; not the awfully fake smile he had been sporting for the past while but a normal smile. One he would flash me whenever I got back home from work or Uni. One he would flash when Ashton announced he had ordered pizza and rented a movie for the three of us to watch together. It wasn't a bright smile like the one he would flash when Ashton told Calum he was beautiful; it was an okay smile and at that moment, even okay was enough for me.

"Hey you." Calum murmured, sliding into my room with one arm behind his back before he closed the door gently. "Long time no see."

"Yeah," I sighed heavily, pulling my knees up to my chest as I wrapped my arms around them. That was how I would usually sit when I felt vulnerable. That had soon become what I liked to call the Luke position. Because somehow, whenever thinking of Luke, that was always the position I'd end up in. "Sorry about the missed calls and everything, I just wasn't feeling too good."

Calum clicked his tongue, plopping down on my bed with a half smile as he pat my knee with his free hand. I could see he was holding something in his other hand, but the rest of Calum's body blocked the view just enough so I couldn't make out what it was that he was holding so secretively. 

"I get it." He nodded, eyes meeting mine and I could tell he was being sincere. "I wish I could give you one of your comforting speeches but I'm afraid I'm not as good with words as you are." I snorted and Calum seemed to smile softly at that. "But I just want you to know it's okay to be upset, and I'm here if you need anything. You've been there for me even when things got bad with Ash, I owe you so much."

"You don't owe me anything." I shrugged. "Friendship doesn't require payback. I'm there for you because I care for you, not because I expect you to do the same for me." I could see Calum visibly slump as he shook his head, eyes flickering closed.