Loving Luke | muke [c]

Twenty Five

I sighed heavily, closing my eyes as I let my back hit the mattress. I could already picture Ashton rolling his eyes before he even scoffed, meaning he was thinking exactly what I thought he was. I could feel the droplets of transpiration rolling down from my damp hair down the side of my face. My breaths came out short and puffy, attempts to catch my breath and start recomposing myself failed. I felt the other side of the bed dip, meaning Ashton had just fallen down onto the bed with me, also seeming tired. His breaths didn't match mine, but he was also breathing heavily and it was almost like I could feel the heat radiating off his body.

"That was...." I sighed, shaking my head as I ran a hand through my hair. "A lot."

"Michael," Ashton snorted, and even with my eyes closed I could feel him turn over so that he could look up at his bedroom ceiling. The rest of the apartment was quiet, Calum thankfully being away so he had no idea of what was going on. It felt awkward, knowing that we were doing this without Calum even knowing about it. I was starting to feel slightly guilty. "All we did was get my new bed into the room, it wasn't that much work."

I let out a huff, finally opening my eyes so that I could glance at the curly haired blond from the corner of my eye. "I know, but still. I don't usually exercise."

"Well, you should."

"And you should've told Calum you were moving into my room."

Ashton remained silent, eyes avoiding mine in what I could only describe as shame. He bit his lower lip hesitantly, letting one of his hands move from under his head so that he could rub his face out of pure frustration. I couldn't say I knew what Ashton was going through, because honestly, I didn't. But I knew desperation when I saw it and looking at Ashton at that moment made me wish I could go through all of it instead of him. He wouldn't admit it - not to me, and not to anyone else - but he was hurting. He was broken and desperately trying to put all his pieces back together without any help. I wished he'd just ask for help.

"I know." He whispered after a long silence. I could hear the pain in his voice as he spoke, swallowing down a lump in his throat before he continued. "I just couldn't look him in the eye and say we were never going to sleep in the same bed again, you know? We've been together for years and I'm just... It's not because I'm not in love with him that this isn't killing me inside."

"I know." I muttered in response, turning over completely so that I was laying on my side. Ashton did the same, eyes boring into mine for the first time since I walked into my old apartment that had become Calum & Ashton's apartment and was now Calum and Ashton's apartment. Now I knew I couldn't come back to this place, this wasn't my home anymore and it was hard to figure out if the house I shared with Luke felt like home just as much as this apartment once did. Looking into Ashton's eyes, I realised just how much I missed seeing him every day. "And it's understandable; you don't have to be in love with someone to not want them to get hurt. Honestly, you don't even have to know them to want their wellbeing. Don't think you're in the wrong if you're upset over hurting Calum just because you don't feel the same way about him as he does about you."

"How do you do it, Michael?" He asked with a slight frown. "You're just so forgiving and selfless all the time. I fear for you sometimes."

"Why would you fear for me?" I muttered, letting my knees move up almost to my chest so I was curled up like a ball. It was almost like a shield for myself. Ashton was cracking down all the walls and he was bound to see everything soon. I wasn't one to open up, but I was this close to opening up to Ashton completely. I was this close to pour my heart out and make things about me. Me. For once, things would be about me.

Ashton shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh as his eyes fluttered closed almost tiredly. "Because this world is nasty, and you're going to get trampled over by it. I know it's none of my business, really, but I'm not okay with knowing that you'll get hurt by other people. I'm really not okay with it, Michael."