Lost In Love (vol. 1)

If I Could Turn Back Time

"Everywhere that I go, I see another memory

And all the places we used to know

They're always there to haunt me

I walk around and I feel so lost and lonely

Let me out of this dream."

- Sleepwalker, ADAM LAMBERT

The cup of hot cocoa warmed Nate's palms, inciting memories of his and Kyle's preteen years and the freezing winter days when they came inside, their hands numb and faces chilled and flushed from the bitter cold. Kyle's mom always had hot cocoa in big mugs to set before them. Nate remembered practically hugging the mug to his chest and holding his chilled face over the steaming liquid, letting it heat his skin as he breathed in the sweet scent of chocolate. Kyle was always the greedy one and too quick to gulp his down, burning his tongue every time.

Nate's lips twitched at the memory even as tears spilled down his face. He raked the back of his hand across his cheek and took a sip of the hot cocoa. Across the table from him, Janice slowly twisted her own cup in small circles, her eyes down, shimmering but somehow keeping the tears at bay.

Tightness squeezed Nate's chest. As a kid, he'd spent more time at Kyle's than he did at home. It seemed his parents were always fighting about something, and the constant screaming and yelling created a ball of lead that sat heavily in the pit of his stomach, never going away except when he was with Kyle and at Kyle's house. He'd felt so much peace there, and every night went to bed wishing Janice would adopt him into her small family. Nate remembered the joy he used to feel when Kyle's dad walked through the door after work. His deep voice would bellow through the house the moment he set foot inside, announcing his arrival. Every time, the first thing he did was pull Janice into his arms and kiss her, tell her he'd missed her and that he loved her.

Kyle idolized his father and would race to greet him, his dad's strong arms grabbing him and hugging him so tight Kyle would squeal and feign like he couldn't breathe. Nate realized now, as he gazed across the table at Janice, that he hadn't just fallen in love with Kyle...he'd fallen in love with the whole family. And he'd been there for them every step of the way through Jim Haney's battle with cancer, had held Kyle while he cried when his dad lost that battle. He'd stood with Janice and Kyle at the funeral, an arm around each of them, doing his damnedest not to break down with them, feeling their loss as if it were his father being laid to rest. And indeed, he felt more loss in the death of Jim Haney than he had the day his own dad had died.

Were they all that were left? Him and Janice. Were they to be left behind to mourn the two greatest men they had ever known?

"I always knew." Janice whispered, her voice thick and strained as she gazed down at her cup, the tears finally breaking the barrier and sliding down her face. She raised her eyes slowly and looked at Nate. "I always knew you and Kyle would fall in love...even before either of you ever knew your feelings went beyond friendship." She smiled weakly. "You two were so close, and I saw the way you looked at each other and I knew what it meant...or what it would mean one day. And it just seemed natural that you would be together."

She pressed her lips together and lowered her eyes as more tears seeped out.

"When you...came out." She whispered. "I saw it in Kyle, that he wanted to be brave like you, admit who he was. But he was so scared of what people would think of him." She looked up again. "I was afraid it would somehow hurt yours and Kyle's friendship, but you were so wonderful...you made light of the way you were and got Kyle to joke with you about it. I could see how at ease it put him, helped him feel comfortable." She licked her lips slowly. "Still, every time he looked at you, I could see him wanting to tell you he was the same as you...that he loved you."