Lost In Love (vol. 1)

Hardest Thing I'll Ever Have To Do

"This ain't no ordinary feeling
You are the only thing that I believe in
I know you're coming back to me
I will be waiting here for you till the end
I only miss you when I'm breathing!
Without your love, don't know how I survive
It's you, it's you that's keeping me alive
I only miss you when I'm breathing!"

- Breathing, JASON DERULO

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"I believe, I do. I'm just pretty sure God stopped caring a long time ago."

- Sam Winchester, SUPERNATURAL sn. 5

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"I need to speak with someone...about putting my house on the market."

Nate cleared his throat of the remnant of tears clogging his voice. He pressed his fingertips to his eyes and rubbed hard then drew them away, damp. He sat on the edge of the bed, elbows digging into his thighs as he stared at the carpet, the cell phone pressed to his ear, waiting for the real estate agent on the other end to come back on the line.

The house was the only thing of worth he'd ever received from his parents, and he had no qualms about selling it. There were no nostalgic memories to tie him to the place. He'd practically grown up in Kyle's home, with Kyle's family. And now this house only harbored additional bad memories. There was nothing good here to preserve or hold onto.

"Uh, yes." he said when the agent came back on. He cleared his throat again, listened. "As soon as possible." He fell silent again, nodded, then added, "One o'clock? Yeah, I can be there." Another slight pause, then, "Thank you. You, too."

He lowered the cell and snapped it close, sitting motionless, staring at the floor. Even if the house sold tomorrow at full price...what good would it really do? The money might pay the medical costs, but it couldn't buy Kyle a new heart.

The unrelenting pain pinched his chest as he tossed the cell onto the nightstand. His eyes lowered to his arms. The stitches were still in, though he was gradually healing. There was a low throbbing in his forearms that never went away. He ran the fingertips of his left hand down the length of the cut on his right arm.

Why the fuck had they bothered to save him? Kyle could be in recovery now. Awake. Healthy. Alive.

"Did you think you were doing me a fucking favor by saving my life?" he whispered tightly, then emitted a bitter laugh. "Yeah. This is so much fucking better than death."

He rubbed his eyes again then licked his lips slowly and let his gaze drift around the bedroom. Settling on the tall bureau, still slid out away from the wall, his eyes lingered, the memory of chucking the ring across the room came back to him.

His lips pressed tight as he dug into his pocket and pulled out the ring, turning it slowly in his fingertips. Had he gotten the chance...how would he have proposed to Kyle? A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth as his throat knotted painfully and his eyes burned. The guy was such a smart ass it would have been hard to keep the moment serious. And Kyle wouldn't have let him get away with some half-hearted proposal either. He would've insisted Nate get down on one knee and do it right.

A short laugh escaped Nate, mingled with a hard sob. "You cocky little shit." he choked, tears sliding down his face. "You would've made me do it all."

Squeezing the ring in his fist, he laid down on the pillows, warm tears dripping from the corners of his eyes. His chin trembled. "Come back to me, baby." he cried softly. "I'll do it all. I'll do it however you want me to." He bit his lip and cried harder. "Just give me the chance."