One Life (Phan)

6 (Phil)

I stand on our porch, watching the moon chase the sun away. The bright, blue rays of the sun are now smothered in the purple of twilight. A little bit of gold hangs in the horizon, strapped to orange and then pink, before fading into the subtle, beautiful mauve.

I lean my head against our front door. Cold starts to bite at my nose, but I'm too numb to feel it. The only thing I can concentrate on is my strangled thoughts and confused feeling.

He's gone... but he can't be.... Dearest Phil,... I saw it... I saw IT... Gone, he's gone... and I'm gone too... Gone... everything gone... Dan is gone.... Dearest Phil Dearest Phil Dearest Phil Dearest Phil...I should've trusted you more. I should've loved you more... No Dan, you loved me enough... come back... you loved me enough... This isn't a suicide note. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I can't say why, or where I am going, but I'm leaving. I'm leaving and I can't see you again... no Dan, no Dan, come back come BACK come BACK Daniel come BACK I need you Dan I need you... Dearest Phil Dearest Phil Dearest Phil...

I crumple up the note in my hand, the third time I've held it today. My stomach erupts with sorrow and lean over and throw up into my neighbour's houseplant. Then I dry heave for thirty more seconds, tears squeezing out of my eyes and trickling down my nose. I lean back into the door and slide back down to the

(Dearest Phil Dearest Phil Dearest)

ground, where I stay, the note still crumpled up in my hand. I open my eyes and smooth out the note, trying to read Dan's shaking handwriting in the dark. I lean over into the yellow light. I

(Phil Dearest Phil Dearest Phil Dear)

see the first two words, but I flinch away from it and slap it on the ground. I look at my watch, which reads that it's 8:43. I slowly lift myself from the door and numbly turn the handle. The inside of the apartment is dark. The last time I was in the place was when the shining rays of the afternoon sun was filtering through the window, so there was no need to turn on any artificial lights.

But now I'm too numb to be afraid of the dark, and I ascend the stairs in a fluid motion. I make it to the bedroom hallway in what felt like less than a second. I don't even remember opening our apartment door, I just made it to the doorway

(est Phil Dearest Phil Dearest Phil)

and now I'm standing here, looking into the black abyss of grief.

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(Dearest Phil Dearest Phil) no Dan don't go (Dearest Phil) Daniel I love (Dearest Phil) I love you Dan and you (Dearest Phil) loved me enough (Dearest Phil) you loved me enough you loved (Dearest Phil) me enough Dan and I loved you (Dearest Phil Dearest Phil Dearest Phil) why did you go Dan come BACK come BACK you loved me enough (Dearest Phil) I loved you and I love you and I will love you (Dearest Phil) always I will love you always come BACK come BACK come BACK Dan (Dearest Phil) I love you and you loved me enough you loved me enough and don't you remember when we kissed (Dearest Phil)

"I love you Dan,"  I love him I really do and I love

"I know," he is beautiful and I love him and

(he loved me enough and)

his lips meet mine

(I love him and he loved me enough and)

it's the second time he kissed me and

(I will love you always Dan come BACK come BACK)