A Light in the Dark

Chapter 59

Now that she was remembering everything, last night had seemed like a weird, complicated dream. But the arm around her waist told her that it had been in fact very real. As were the heated words they exchanged and that she had driven Lauren almost into a panic attack or whatever it had been. Yes, Lauren had lost control of herself on the cemetery, but she hadn't been much better a few hours ago.

The arm around her waist disappeared and she opened her eyes sleepily, only to meet the insecure ones of Lauren.

"Sorry," Lauren mumbled. "I didn't mean to wake you up..."

"You didn't." Camila yawned and quickly put her hand in front of her mouth. "Sorry... I was already awake."

"Your mom was in here, about two hours ago... she had to go to the hospital..."

Camila hummed quietly and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. It was funny that not only two days ago she would have freaked out by hearing this. But she hadn't woken up to yelling or anything like that, so she assumed that her mother was still okay with it. Like she had said.

"She was a little surprised to see me, but she didn't throw me out..."

"I think she's coming around. Yesterday she even gave me some advice," Camila told her and Lauren smiled a little before averting her eyes.

"That's amazing..."

"Lauren?" Camila waited until she looked into her eyes again. She seemed incredibly nervous and Camila felt a pang in her chest that they even were in a situation like this. "I'm sorry about last night..."

The green eyes widened a little before Lauren sat up and vigorously shook her head. "No, don't apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for. I screwed up, I didn't –"

Camila followed her lead and brought herself into a sitting position next to the green-eyed girl. "Can I say something first before we open that can of worms?"

"Um... sure?"

"I'm sorry for what I said to you –"

"No, you –"

"Could you please let me finish?" She reached out and intertwined their hands when Lauren sheepishly nodded. "It was not okay what I said to you last night. Yes, we were both upset and I don't doubt that it had more to do with the lack of sleep than what really happened, but regardless of the circumstances, I should not have taken it out on you. It was a cheap shot. I wanted to retaliate in some way, but using that certain topic against you was a really low blow and it shouldn't have happened. I should have never made you feel like you could be the reason for... for that. You are not  responsible for it, okay? I had these issues with myself long before I met you."

Lauren furrowed her brow and opened her mouth to object, but Camila quickly shook her head, not letting her speak. She needed Lauren to understand this.

"No, this is all me. It's not your fault. I had absolutely no right to say that you pushed me over the edge. Firstly, I wasn't in any danger, and secondly, even if I felt like that, it would have still not been your fault." She searched Lauren's eyes for a sign that she understood. "I realized something yesterday... I think... I think I depend on you too much... It can't be healthy that a fight with you, no matter how nasty it might be, sends me back into my old pattern. You mean so incredibly much to me, Lauren..."

Camila saw that Lauren's eyes slowly filled with tears and she squeezed her hand tighter. It was important to get this out. She had to say it now before she was too scared to do it.

"You will always be important to me, there is no doubt in my mind. But I have to learn not to lean on you so much. I have to learn to be okay with myself and to not completely lose it or try to accommodate you every time we have a disagreement. I want to see my sister growing up, I want to get to know my mom better, I want to... some day in the future I want to stand by your side and look back to this moment and be proud of me and my decisions." Camila took a deep breath and reached up to wipe a tear from Lauren's cheek. "I want a future with you, Lauren. Whether it's just as friends or more, but I realized that I can't have all that when my whole world revolves around you. I have to be independent too, I have to... I have to get better."