Harrison Avenue // H.S.

Turkey Time

  [Ellison]              

Not only is the silence awkward, it's the kind of silence that feels crushing. The kind of silence that makes my hands sweat, the kind that feels like it literally takes away my ability to speak. And I'm not sure if anyone sat at this table is brave enough to break it.

Needless to say, Thanksgiving dinner with the Grey's, Buhler's, and part of the Styles' family is one major disaster. Of course it's my family's responsibility for the horribleness that has occurred at the table with a giant turkey sitting at the center, but that shouldn't be a surprise.

I feel Harry's hand on my knee and I know he's giving me a look, something that's begging for me to calm down before anything gets any worse. His hand on my knee and his hushed whisper of "Ellison" isn't going to cut it though. My mom is sitting across from me with a smug look on her face and her hands crossed together in front of a nearly empty plate and I'm pretty sure I'm about to jump across the table and make Harry very, very disappointed in the cool I've maintained since Matt picked us up at the airport two days ago.

I've actually talked to my mom previous to this tense interaction, something that was highly encouraged by Harry, but we didn't have the heart to heart I'm sure he was hoping for. I think if we did this dinner would be going much differently than it is.

One would think that since we're among many other people who do not need to be a part of the constant mother-daughter battle between us we would keep it civil. Especially because Harry's mom is sitting a few seats down and I am trying my best to give her some indication that I'm not a horrible person. But that thought doesn't consider the animosity between my mom and I, and how we don't know how to apply social rules to the passive aggressive conversations that occur between us.

In some ways it's actually progress that my mom is allowing this to happen in front of other people. Before I ran off to New York she just pretended to like me, even if that came in the form of showing off my merits and trying to convince people I wanted to be a doctor just like her. At least now people can see how truly horrible she is, how I'm not just some ungrateful kid and how there's a lot more that goes into this relationship than what my mom tries to portray.

Matt is the one who tries to divert away from the argument that's on the brink of exploding.

"Um, so Harry," he clears his throat, managing to get out his best energetic Matt voice out. "Do you have any gigs coming up soon?"

Harry doesn't answer immediately and I feel him squeeze my knee again. Then he picks up on Matt's attempts to steer the conversation away from the pending blowout that's currently happening and he tries to make it work.

"Actually," I hear Harry's voice. I want to listen to him, to let him talk, to let him get us away from this tense tableside conversation and instead talk about how great he is. I can't hold it in though.

I interrupt him before he can even get another word out and if I wasn't currently in a staring contest with my mom I would direct a look at Harry to show how sorry I am for not being able to keep my mouth shut.

"Mom, did you know that Harry is a musician?" I ask her with an almost teasing tone. I pick this carefully, knowing how the idea in itself is enough to irk her. "He's in a band, the lead singer. They are just starting out but they are really good."

I know this is something she isn't going to like to hear and that's why I purposely choose to talk about it. It's obvious in my voice that my intentions are in a place that go beyond the want to brag about my boyfriend but I have no want to invalidate any of the amazing things Harry does. I think he understands my tactic, he might not support it, but I think he at least gets why I'm doing what I'm doing.