Harrison Avenue // H.S.

Ellison's Vows

Originally written on the back of a map from an art museum. Curse words and all.

...

I want to point out that this isn't a very fair line up... I'm going against a poet, a writer, a musician, trying to tackle what he does best. And if we go back to that summer as kids with wide eyes and thoughts that only extended to the next day, we know that you found me in a front yard with my head between my knees because I couldn't find the right words and instead crawled out a window. Truthfully, I would feel a lot more comfortable if I could just paint up here to tell you how much I love you... but I don't think even that could begin to describe how I actually feel.

My first memory of you is your hand in front of my face. I wasn't impressed. I remember thinking "why the hell is this English boy so eager to meet me?" I remember ignoring your hand, showing you my true colors of angsty, rude, teenage Elle and you somehow not being fazed by it. Eventually this eagerness, your insistence on shaking every person's hand you meet like they are the most important person you're going to talk to that day, eventually this, becomes one of my favorite things about you.

Among many other things that I've compiled into a list in my head. The way you sing in the shower, which trust me isn't very good considering that you make a living off of it. How you always cook breakfast in your underwear and play old songs you know that I like as a way to coax me out of bed. That hip sway you resort to anytime we're a little drunk and there's music playing at a party. The look on your face when you write... like you're so lost in that world you're creating and I almost feel like I see myself in you, because I think it's the same face I make when I'm painting.

On top of this you're just the best god damn man in this world. I'm serious. At least for me you are. You pick me up when I fall down, or catch me when I fall from a table. You make me smile when everything in the world is giving me a reason to frown. You push me to be a better person, because before you that wasn't even much of a concern of mine. You're my outlet when I need to get away, and you're my inspiration in any creative thing I do. Without you, I wouldn't be Ellison... I'd just be Elle who tries to pretend she's got it together.

You're my favorite friend. I know it's kind of ironic considering that I told you to fuck off when we were first became friends, but maybe that's why you're my favorite... you never give up on me, even when I give you every reason to do so.

Thinking back to that first summer with you I realize how scared I was to get close to you. I know I expressed that to you in more ways than one. Yes, ignoring you for three- or four- or however many days straight wasn't one of my best moments. It felt temporary, like no matter what we felt at the end of the summer it wouldn't change the outcome.

I know most of us here know how that ended. I blew you off, you went home, I became sad, I moved to New York, was even sadder. And then eventually, like something that only happens in movies, you showed up and made me cry tears rooted almost solely in happiness. Fulfilling something I told you that first night we met, when you found me on the back porch of a rager and I told you things I had never told anyone before.

These years with you have been the best thing that has ever happened to me. New York wasn't anything but a place I walked through every day until you came along. Now it's home. It's where some of my best friends in the world are. It's where I paint and I watch kick ass rock shows, and where I love. It's where Harry and Ellison still get into a lot of trouble, but sometimes will pretend to real life adults.

Before you I didn't really believe in love... and I'm not even saying that in the sense that most people use that line. I loved certain things, certain people, but I always struggled to feel it back because it's felt like a constant uphill battle to get a little in return. Your love opened up my eyes. Your love made it possible for me to see the things and other people who loved me back. But your love still is and will always be my favorite.

Okay, I've rambled on enough now so I should just get to the point. I love you in every possible way, Harry Styles. I love you so much that it almost makes my head hurt, in the good way of course. You're the first thing I want to see when I wake up in the morning, and the last when I want to see I go to sleep at night.

I don't even care all that much if we get married. We could run out of here right now and I'd be entirely okay with it as long as you promised to always be by my side. But we already paid for everything and everyone is here, so we might as well stick around and see what happens. Plus, I promised my mom this would happen so we have to see it through now.

And, that's what I'll end with... a promise. I promise to love you with everything I have. I promise that you'll always have my support. I promise all of the silly things too, like staying up until three in the morning so we can dance to those old songs I love, and pretending we're an old couple from Minnesota just because it makes you laugh.

That's all. I promise to love and to tell you when you're being annoying... but mostly just to love.