Love and the Sea and Everything in Between

chapter eighteen

On Saturday, Liz and I decide to go rollerblading. First, we stop at The Plank for dinner and make our way to the skating arena.

Liz steps into the rink and skates a small figure-eight with surprising ease. All the while, I stumble my way into the rink, grabbing for the railing. Inside, I slip and fall and Liz catches me by the arm, laughing.

"I guess you could say I just keep falling for you." I hold onto the railing with both hands and try to keep my feet under me.

She laughs, extending her hand to me. "Here, let me help."

I give her my hand and let go of the rail. She pulls me to her side as we launch ourselves across the arena floor.

Music thrums through the atmosphere and the lights flicker, bright and quick. It's like a disco here as we circle the arena, over and over. When the song is over, we leave the rink and walk (well, stumble) over to one of the tables. After removing my skates, I go to the café to buy us each a coffee.

As I sit back down, handing Liz her drink, she says, "You're a really bad skater."

"Thanks," I laugh. "I try."

"So how do you think you did on your essay for Intro to Philosophy?"

"I'd say it's probably only worthy of a C or a D. But somehow my grades always seem to tell me otherwise. I guess I've just always had a knack for just getting by." I shrug. "You?"

"Eh, it was okay. I chose Islam and Mormonism. That was fun." Sarcasm drips from her tongue.

"What did you find out?" I ask, taking a sip of my coffee.

"Mormons are weird."

"To be fair, all religions are weird in their own right."

"True, true." She nods.

For a while we just watch the skaters as they roll past us, smiling and enjoying the moments inside their own little worlds.

"It feels good, doesn't it?" Liz asks. "To feel like you belong with someone, like you're not an outsider."

"Yeah. It does."

My phone is out and in my hands now and I take a picture of Liz just sitting there, her eyes fixed on the skaters, her face telling me all I need to know.

Overtaken by a sense of wonder, a thing often found when I watch her, sitting there, living and breathing, I ask, "Want to go to the beach?"

"What?" she asks, a little surprised by the question. She looks at her watch. "It's eight at night."

"So?"

Her lips part as if to respond, but then she gives up, unable to find any viable excuse, and says, "Fine. Let's do it."

* * *

I drive Gus right onto the beach and jump out once I turn the van off. I take my shoes and socks off and wander to the edge of the ocean, where the sea loses itself in the loose earth, Liz right beside me all the way.

"Should we?" I ask, staring out across the moonlit waves.

"Should we what?"

I nod toward the ocean.

"Why not? What's the worst that could happen? We either catch a cold or get stung by a jellyfish."

I nod. "I'll race you." And then I'm off and in the water before she even has a chance to react. I'm knee-deep by the time she reaches me and we both shiver against the bite of the cold.

"I deeply regret this," she says, her teeth chattering.

I grin and let the waves lap at my knees for a minute, then walk back to the shore. I strip of my shirt and shorts and I'm just standing in my boxers in the freezing cold of the January night. Liz eyes me nervously. I walk back to the ocean and, with a mock salute to Liz, let myself fall into the water. In an instant, my entire body is submerged beneath the waves. I can feel the sand reaching into every part of me, but I don't care. (Well... I care a little.)

I come back up for air and hear, "Are you crazy?" An authentic look of concern is painted across her face, emboldened with the widening of her eyes.

"I think so," I say. Then I dive back into the water and swim out farther. I try to stand up when I'm out a ways and realize my toes can barely touch the sand. I call out to Liz who's still only knee-deep. "Come on!"

She hesitates, then, shaking her head, she submerges herself beneath the waves and swims out to meet me. We tread water now, together under the moonlight, among the sea. I take pause at the way the moon illuminates her features. It's remarkable. Her wet hair, though matted against her face, is practically aglow, as brilliantly gold as the stars, and her blue eyes are radiant.

Using my fingers, I pull the loose hair from her face and tuck it behind her ears. I kiss her as we drift along with the current, my feet planted firmly in the sand beneath me.

The moment our lips touch, a spark of electricity passes between us and she pulls away. "It's cold," she whispers and swims back to the shore.

By the time I get back to the shore, she's on her way back to the van. Grabbing my shirt and shorts, I run after her. I grab her elbow and turn her around to face me. "What's wrong?" I plead. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No!" Her voice is strained – from the cold or from her emotions, I can't tell. "It's just... this is dangerous. You and I out here alone.."

"Why? Why is it dangerous?"

She doesn't say anything, but I can see the tension building in her eyes.

"Why?" I press.

Then, it all comes out at once, like a volcanic eruption. "Because when I'm with you, it's like I lose myself in you. I become somebody I don't recognize and I just don't know anymore."

"Why does that have to be a bad thing?" I ask, I gently hold onto her elbows, trying to keep her close to me. Shirtless and pant-less, I'm shivering, but, for now, I simply shrug off the cold.

"Everything in me is screaming that we can't do this. That we can't just run off together and do what we want. But when I'm with you, it just... it feels so right. And when I look at you, I feel like I belong somewhere. Finally." She pauses and looks up at me and I see the tears that have formed in her eyes. "But I'm scared. I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I can hold all these parts of me together. I feel like I'm a shell and there's something inside me and it's fighting its way out."

"Maybe you should stop fighting it," I whisper. We're close now. Our foreheads are practically touching and I can feel her breath on my lips. "Let go, Liz."

She doesn't say anything as we look at each other, our eyes inches apart.

"Okay," she says and suddenly she's on me, kissing me, pulling my body to hers. I feel her arms wrap around my neck as I wrap my arms around her waist. As I kiss her, I can feel myself slipping. I feel the desire as it wrests all control from my grasp.

Somewhere inside this infinity, we slide the door open and stumble into the back of the van. She falls into me as, somehow, we move both slow and fast at the same time. My heart races and her breath is hot across my skin, her lips drawing me in. And we're just two broken people, two broken halves of a heart desperate for each other.

Myfingers hook under her shirt and I pull it up and over her head as we loseourselves in the moment. I am surrounded by the refrain of the sea and of mybeating heart and I think this is what love must sound like: our heartbeatsmingled with the crashing waves.

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