Love and the Sea and Everything in Between

chapter fifty-six

I have to fight the fears. They are ruthless in their pursuit of my sanity.

I am consumed by the fear that I won't ever be good enough for Liz, the fear that I will ruin our child, the fear that I will relapse or my meds will stop working, the fear that everything around me will break, like my entire world has become a glass house and I'm one stone's throw away from oblivion.

As we drive away from Multnomah Falls, our route set for Canon Beach, Liz naps and I'm left alone with my fears. I don't know how my mind can be so overwhelmed by my fears only moments after feeling so alive and so free. I blink away the tears because I will be strong.

I am strong. It's who I am and I won't ever let anything change that.

I don't know what to do and with Liz asleep, I have no one to talk to. Even if she was awake, I wouldn't know what to say. I feel so responsible for her and I'm afraid to say anything that might cause her to doubt me because I want to be strong for her.

I will be strong.

So I do something I haven't done in a long time and there's no real reason for it and I don't even know if it will work, and it feels so foreign and awkward to me. But despite all that, I say to myself, God, if You're there, make me fearless.

Because I refuse to live in a world where I'm afraid all the time. I refuse to live in a world of "what-ifs" and second-guessing. I refuse to live in a world where my insecurities keep me from living.

I don't feel anything special after that prayer. It wasn't extravagant and there was nothing special about it. But as I glance over at Liz as she's sleeping, I smile to myself because I remember how perfectly imperfect she is too. She has fears too. She has insecurities too. I'm not some special case that my fears are somehow more important or deadly than hers.

And I remember how strong she is and how far she's come.

She is the sun and I am the moon and the night is dark, but we are not.

We are bright.

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