Love and the Sea and Everything in Between

chapter thirty-four

It's 3:30 in the morning when I get the call.

Adam's in the hospital.

And I crumble to the floor of my dorm room, screaming, sobbing, choking. I don't know how long it lasts, but at some point I wake my roommate and she tries to ask me what's wrong, but I don't answer. I can't answer. So she just kneels beside me and holds me until I've cried my throat raw.

I can't breathe. I can't I can't I can't.

I clutch my phone to my chest and my breaths come in short, shallow gasps for air. My roommate leaves and returns a few minutes later with Cassidy, our Resident Advisor, who crouches in front of me. She puts her hand on my shoulder and tells me to breathe.

"Deep breaths, Liz." She mimics deep-breathing and I try to follow her. "In, out. In, out. In."

Finally, after a few minutes, I catch my breath.

"What's wrong? What happened?" my RA asks.

I try to process what I know about what's happened. "He's dying. He's at the hospital," I whisper. I almost don't believe it. I try to imagine a world without him, but I can't.

"Who is?" she asks, her voice calm.

"Adam," I choke. My roommate gasps.

"Adam West who goes to this school?"

I just nod.

I don't believe it.

After a second, "Alright, let's get you on your feet," Cassidy says.

"I need to go see him," I whisper.

"Where did they take him?" Jessie, my roommate, asks.

"St. John's." I'm finally regaining my composure, but my chest feels heavy and I feel like it might cave in.

"Alright, I'll take you there, okay? I don't want you driving alone in your condition this time of night?"

Staring at Cassidy I ask too quickly, "What condition?"

She blinks. "You just spent the last thirty minutes screaming on the floor. I don't think you're emotionally ready to drive yourself to the hospital."

Oh. Right.

"Okay," I say.

Cassidy helps me out of my room and out to her car. I don't even buckle up and we sit in silence as she drives me to the hospital. I don't know what I expect. I doubt they'd let me see him if he's even out of the emergency room.

I think of Adam's parents – what they must be going through...

The rain pours on the earth outside, pelting the metal and glass frame of the car, loud and sharp. I think this is what heartbreak must sound like, the roar of the rain.

When we get to the hospital, I tell Cassidy I can find my way inside on my own. With every step I take, my stomach twists itself into knots, tighter... tighter, wrapping itself up, over and over. I feel sick, like I've been kicked. I don't even know if I can walk, but I keep going. I keep walking toward the reception desk. Because I know this is what Adam would want. He would want me to keep going. He would want me to find his parents. He would want me to be there for him.

I see them in the reception area just before I reach the desk. I see his mother, who seems to have aged a decade since I last saw her. I see his father, whose arm is wrapped securely around his wife's shoulders. They stand there, the sorrow forming lines leading from their eyes.

I almost break down right then and there, but I don't. Adam would want me to be strong for his parents.

When they see me, his mother rushes to meet me and she pulls me into her arms and I let her. I let her hold me because I know she needs it. And maybe I need it too. I feel his dad's hand on my back as he just stands beside us. I am amazed at how strong he seems. I imagine he feels he has no choice but to be strong for his wife.

I'm crying again. Softer, this time. Nearly silent.

When we break away, his mother looks at me, her eyes heavy, oppressed under the weight of grief.

"I'm so sorry," I say. I can't hold it back anymore. The grief returns in waves and I choke, "It's all my fault." Sobbing, Mrs. West pulls me into her arms again, stroking my back and letting me cry into her neck. "It's my fault," I cry.

"No, it's not, dear," she says, stroking my hair. "It's not your fault."

I don't believe her. I can't believe her. "It's my fault. It's my fault he's here, in this place." I'm losing it. So much for being strong.

Mrs. West stops abruptly and pulls away, looking down at me. She says nothing for a moment. Then, "Adam's not dead, Liz," she reminds me. "He's going to make it. None of this is your fault."

I blink back the tears.

She repeats, "Adam's not dead. There's still hope."

Time slips from my grasp as everything falls away from me and I collapse into Mrs. West's arms again and just let her hold me.

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