Trapped In Another Body

Updates Are Coming

So as I said in the last part I'm going to be writing more on a schedule as opposed to my usual writing whenever I decide I should update. So I've never done this kind of scheduled thing before, if I mess up it just shows I'm only human, but faults set aside, I'm going to try to be updating on Tuesdays and Fridays one week, and then Monday's and Thursdays the next.

So we just got back to school after winter break, no snow until the night before school, which means we had a green Christmas, the first time in my life that's happened. My Christmas was as perfect as it could be without being perfect, if that makes send to you guys. Sure I didn't get to be with Cole but it doesn't matter, we talk so much that the distance feels like nothing. On a darker note, my mother got me more blades I could use for suicide, because ever since I came out to her and she found out I was suicidal she gives me some sort of blades for Christmas as a passive-aggressive note of "kill yourself". But as I said, it was as perfect as it could be without being perfect, because my grandparents gave me their piano! Like, REAL piano, not just some electric keyboard like I've been using. The only thing that would have made it any more perfect, or truly perfect to be honest, is if my family would have started proving that they support me like they claim they do, that and being able to spend Christmas with Cole would have been pretty perfect too.

New Years came and my mother finally desired I'm allowed to drink despite being underage. She always tells me I can have a little bit when we're at parties or something but never actually lets me. Past that it was just another boring New Years just playing board games and watching the New Years broadcast.

So, I've been full of stress lately. The end of high school is coming up fast . . . faster than I want it to, and I'm having second thoughts about what I wanted to do in life. For the past few years I had my mind set on being a video game designer or something to do with that, or even just something to do with computers even, but now I'm looking at being a teacher or a therapist, emotional therapist, not physical. I don't know, I like teaching things, I practically taught my math classes for the past 2 years, and I'm essentially the therapist of my group of friends, I LOVE helping others, so much so that my life means pretty much nothing to me as long as I'm helping someone else feel better.

I don't know what to do, it's almost the end of the year and then I'll be a senior, a fucking senior that has no idea where I'm going after high school, sorry about the language if anyone is offended or anything by me cursing. For years I've been this antisocial ball of depression, and now I'm making friends, getting over my depression (thanks to this and my amazing boyfriend <3) and my interests in jobs are shifting dramatically . . . I used to think that after high school, being a teacher would be the last job I would want, and therapy never really grabbed my interest, the only thing that used to get my interest was video games.

Life is just taking the little good things I get and using them as a reason to give me more and more anxiety and stress, I honestly have times when I can't breathe, literally can't breathe,  just thinking about what I want to do after this is all over. Then that takes my mind into something darker, the stress and anxiety built up just flows into my thoughts and changes them from the life thoughts, to the fear of death, the thought of what it's like after we die, what it's like for the dead one not the living around them. I have times when I cry myself to sleep at night due to an anxiety attack like that and then, to add insult to injury, I don't have dreams, I haven't really had dreams in a couple years, so sleep to me is essentially the answer to my question almost, the question of what it's like to be dead. My sleep is just lying in a bed completely comatose and in darkness until my conscious mind takes over again.

I'm gonna go before this gets too dark and triggers people, I don't wanna be the cause of someone else's suffering. So hope everyone's having/had a wonderful day! Byez!

~Maddie