Paint you Wings (Destiel)

Chapter 18

"So, Dean, how did it go with Mr Jackson?" The Doctor asked, smiling gently because he could already guess the answer. He hadn't been quite sure at the beginning but after Dean told him that he wanted to go swimming? He just knew that Dean would be intrigued by Percy Jackson. Everybody had been.

Dean on the other hand was still oblivious to this trick, he still thought that the Doctor had just wanted him to try something new. But now he wanted to know more about Percy's past. He wanted to get to know more about the scars, wanted to know why the man seemed so happy and content with his life, wanted to know how Percy managed not to be ashamed of his scars, wanted to know where the man had found strength. Of course he hoped that the Doctor would tell him more and he wouldn't have to go to the pool once again.

"It was.. pretty okay, you know?" Dean said, still not much above a whisper. He hated his weakness, especially in front of the Doctor but he knew that he couldn't change that, at least not now. Maybe it would get better with the time but he didn't know how long that would take. "But.. can I ask you something?" He added nervously and looked at the Doctor, still a little bit uncomfortable with that action but he could guess that this was a progress.

The Doctor noticed that progress and quickly scribbled down a note, before looking back up and smiling at Dean. "Well, you can ask me whatever you want to, Dean. And I can assure you that you really don't have to be that nervous, nobody judges you for your questions," he reminded the blonde teen and then waited for the question. He had a suspicion what it would be about but he still could be wrong – he rarely was though.

Dean shrugged slightly and smiled sheepishly. "Mr Jackson.. Percy.. Well, I saw that he has a lot of scars? I mean.. I was wondering how he got them and.." he paused slightly and looked down onto his hands, "How does he manage to be so happy? Don't they bother him?" He whispered.

The Doctor frowned and looked at him. "Dean? I know, these questions are literally everything you can think about right now but I can't answer them, you have to ask Percy. But you really don't have to be scared about it, he will answer you and he won't be mad," he said softly but his voice obviously didn't leave any room for protest. "I'm just here to help you, Dean. And.. judging by your questions you find it difficult to come to terms with your past and accept it, don't you? Why is that so?"

The teen was taken aback by these words – of course, he wasn't really scared of Percy, the man was in his twenties and seemed nice enough, he could ask him. But the questions about himself? That was a different story. He didn't know how he should answer them, how he could explain the hate he felt for himself.

It took some time until he finally answered. "I can't explain it to be honest, but I will try. It's just... I can't look at myself without hearing my father's voice, telling me that I am disgusting, worthless, dumb, fat... I-I tried to block out his words, but I couldn't any more," he whimpered.

The Doctor opened his mouth to say something, to stop the boy before he would break down but Dean just continued ranting, continued to spill all his horrible thoughts about himself.

"I see and hear him every time I see my body, see what he had done to me. He tells me that I deserve this pain, that a killer doesn't deserve anything else, that I am lucky that he is so gentle with me, that I deserved to die. I can't accept them, they are a reminder of how worthless I am, that nobody really loves me, that I should be dead," the blonde ended, his voice weak, broken.

But the Doctor didn't know how he should answer, what he should say. He was a therapist, yes, and he had years of practice, but this was something.. it always broke his heart. Especially young people suffered but people often choose to not see it, to just ignore it. So much pain wouldn't even have to exist if people just listened intently once, if they just understood what someone wanted to tell them. It always took a lot of trust for somebody to tell someone else their deepest, darkest secrets but if they were ignored it just hurt more.