Worship in the Bedroom [Cake]

7

"Will Smith is my mother,"

Ashton pauses at the announcement while Calum sighs heavily, rubbing a hand down his face and checking the time on his watch for the millionth time.

"What?" Ashton asks finally.

Michael blinks at the television screen before turning to face Ashton. "Will Smith. The actor. He's my mother."

"He's- no, I've met your mother," Ashton says. "She cooked me vegan turkey at Christmas. Remember? Because I was-"

"In your hippy phase, we know," Michael nods quickly. Calum sighs again, because he's pretty sure Ashton's not through with his hippy phase. "No, I mean, yeah that's my mom, but Will Smith is my mother."

"He's a cis male," Ashton reminds him.

"No, I know-"

"He has a penis,"

Michael furrows his eyebrows. "How do you know? Have you seen it? Can I see it?"

"What?" Ashton gives him a startled look while Calum checks the time again. "No, I haven't seen Will Smith's penis. I wouldn't be opposed to it, but- no, no, he has children."

"So?" Michael starts squirming on the couch next to Ashton, so the blonde levels him with an unimpressed look , reaching around to tuck Michael under his arm. Michael huffs. "Don't gender my familial terms of endearment. He's my mother."

"Michael," Ashton replies sharply, like this is an extremely important argument and their entire relationship depends on the outcome. "Will Smith is not your mother!"

"Yes he is!" Michael starts squirming again, so Ashton wraps his other arm around the smaller boy's chest and holds him in place firmly, making Michael grunt and squirm even more.

"Stop!" Ashton demands while Michael kicks his legs wildly and struggles to get his arms free. "Stop it, I'll call your actual mother and tell her she's being replaced!"

"I didn't know you had Will Smith's number!" Michael yells while elbowing Ashton's chest.

"He's not your mother!" Ashton cries. Calum sighs and checks his phone again, dodging Michael's flailing feet and trying to focus on the Will Smith movie on the television. For a minute or so, the two on the other end of the couch run out of things to say to each other, so they just start yelling loudly in each other's faces while Ashton squeezes Michael, who's still fighting for freedom. They're too loud and drown out the movie, so Calum sighs again.

Finally, Michael lurches forward and throws both of them off the couch and onto the floor, where they start wrestling. Calum's not surprised, if he's honest. He lifts his feet onto the couch and slouches while they roll around and make various noises. By the time Calum's phone dings with a new message, Ashton's got Michael pinned to to floor with one hand so he can shove the other into Michael's mouth for some, unknown reason.

"Finally!" Calum yells. The other two shut up and glance over expectantly, Michael gnawing on Ashton's hand until he removes it and wipes his fingers on Michael's shirt.

"What?" Ashton asks.

"Luke just got home, I'm going over there," Calum announces, jumping off the couch and hurrying to grab his shoes. He tucks his phone, with Luke's address, into his pocket for safekeeping. Meanwhile, Ashton keeps one hand pressing Michael's wrists to the carpets and uses the other to fish something out of his front pocket.

Finally, he holds a condom in the air triumphantly and waves it around. "Here you go, Cal!" He smiles and throws it in Calum's general direction. "That was supposed to be for me and Mikey, but we're both clean and I think I'm already pregnant."