" I was here," Hamza showed his profile picture with him and Derek on a solidarity trip by the United Nations, " and I liked it a lot. Nothing made me happier than playing with this kids and laugh. I also went to the hospitals and saw things that human beings should ever be exposed. But I was happy because I've made them happy"
" We see things differently, but that's normal. Because we're humans." Zayn concluded, and got up. "Now go take a sleep, I'll take care of the documentation and things. " He laid an hand on his son shoulder, " I can't believe your mom can't be here with us and see how proud you make me, and we would probably would be celebrating that you're free. I hope one day I remind that when we're both down, drunk and nothing good to talk about. We celebrate that you're here with me and not in U.S.A. waiting to take a injection to sleep forever. Don't blame me kid, but right now I want one. "
" I won't sleep with me knowing that you're alone with suicidal thoughts in your head dad. Sleep with Jawaad" Hamza handed him a little plush lion Zayn and ________ gave him when he arrived home.
Zayn grabbed the little Lion in his hands tearing up with a smile, " The two of the most important persons in my life are gone, but I still can smile to this plush. I gave you because it made us feel that it would show that you're actually really important for me and to your mother. "You're our second chance, Hamza. We made really big mistakes in our past, that I regret every single day, the only one I don't regret was you, Jawaad and your mother, specially her. " He sat down on Hamza's bed almost crying, " Your mother loved him really much, and I never gave him much attention, until I almost lost him the 1st time."
"You seem like you're talking about a person" Hamza chuckled softly, Hugging his father.
Zayn stared at the Lion still, "this values more to me than a Person." He pointed at it "Here's all my wish of having a child with your mother, a family. That's why we gave you, ... Jawaad." He sighed playing with his Hamza's hair, " You were a scared child inside of a man's body. Now, I am saying to you son, I am feeling that way without your mom. I don't know how to be a father,..."
Hamza interrupted, "You're doing a great job dad. You should enjoy the small things that you have, it's the closest to true happiness we get. That's why I used Niall, he made me calm and feeling well, pretty well. " He stared at his phone that was vibrating because Niall was calling him, "Speaking of the devil..." Hamza hanged up.
"You ain't gonna answer him?" Zayn stared at him, surprised about his kid reaction.
"You forbid me to talk with him..." Hamza said turning of his phone, " And beside that,... I don't wanna break his heart by phone like a coward, I'm a man to assume it in his face I used him, I also deserve the pain of watching him cry and feel all my guilt about it. Now we're not talking about him anymore, I'm going to sleep, so should you, later we have to get mom's stuff ready. "
Zayn watched Hamza cover himself under his sheets and blankets, "Goodnight son. I love you, don't you forget that, never. " He turned of Hamza's light, shutting the door, walking to his living room where Liam was waiting for him smoking a cigarette staring at him, " He's going to sleep now, want something to eat?" he asked waiting for the answer to sit down.
"You know what I want Malik, and admit it. You want it as bad as I do. Don't forget she was my best friend since you got out of the band." Liam stated, grabbing a gun.
Zayn sighed, "Hamza already lost to much today. I won't make him lose his father too because of revenge. "
"He's not your son. Your son was Jawaad and only Jawaad. You were the one who said it when you told me you were going to adopt him." Liam stated starting to clean the gun, " We can kill him tonight or we won't have another shot."
"None of those bullets won't bring her back Liam!!!!! You should know that! " Zayn stated, " Wait you were in Love for my wife? "
"I am I'm not you Zayn. I don't stop loving people from a day to another, just because they're dead" Liam got up and pointed a finger at Zayn.
"Maybe you would be better than me right Liam? You wouldn't have been treated like a terrorist and you would have killed the guy to protect her??!!! Tell me you could lift up with all that weight on your back, all those guns on your head and her crying telling me not to move! Would you love her better than me that would make her be here now, and making Hamza have a better father? One of them you're still on time, we can't bring ______ back. If she was here you wouldn't have the guts and reason to point me the finger like you're doing. I love her, but I know I enjoyed every single day she was with me, and I must be proud of it. I'm not proud of being a coward, to not react what was happening. But I must be proud of doing my best to make her happy, if she needed a friend I was there, if she needed a lover, she had me, she needed a hug, I would die to give her that. Believe me Payne, of course you could do better, but you wouldn't give your best to her!" He cried, and hit on the table, and stared at Liam mad, " You would be better a man to her, I tried to be everything she needed, I was a father, a brother, a husband, a lover, a friend, a psychologist, a nurse, everything she needed I left everything behind to be what she needed, and now I'll do the same to my son. Even though you're playing with my feeling to tear me down in vengeance for her. If I lift up We would be both be dead with a shot in our hand, and never because of an abortion!! ARE YOU GOING TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TO?????" Zayn fell on the couch, " Sorry man, I had to,... You have no ... fault I ... only... needed to release all the words I had stuck in my head. " he tried to catch his breath, and before Liam talked zayn stared at him interrupting him, " You are not better than me, I assumed Jawaad, where are you in your daughter's life? Ouh right, You say you don't have her, and you let her call another man her father. " Zayn went to grab a bottle of vodca that Niall gave him a few years ago, " I know you want it, take a glass and drink. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at life." Zayn also grabbed a small bag with weed and tobacco, " Sorry honey but I need it. " Zayn started to roll one right after taking a deep breath.
"Her name's Charlotte. And I'm only not assuming I'm her father, she already knows me. I asked her mother to let her spent Christmas with me and my family, and the condition from her mother was that I could be anything but never her father, I didn't raised her and not even called to know about her. 'She has a father already don't confuse her Liam' she said on the phone." He took a sip on the bottle of vodca. " You know what? I need it too. "
Zayn lighted it up and started to smoke, and coughed, "F-uu-ck, this shit is strong, man." he handed the joint to Liam, without noticing Hamza was listening them crying on the top of the ladders. Hamza texted Niall to pick him up, getting dressed and walking the door with a bag with his pijama without mention a word to his father, " Where are you going Hamza?"
"To a place that I can't hear you moaning and smell the destruction of yourself, dad. You promised mom! " Hamza teared up and Zayn grabbed him by an arm, " You know I had a son, and that was the main reason you wanted a second chance. Hamza wasn't a mom's friend, he was my brother!!!"
Zayn stared him in the eyes cold, making Hamza shiver, " No, your brother's name was ironically the name you gave the Lion that was once his! And we named you after his favourite thing in the world, the one thing he never left behind wherever he went." He teared up, " You can go, if you tell me where you're going and when you will be back, please. "
"Like you, I'm on the mood to break some rules, and I'm breaking my first rule, and that one is from the past you and I only knew that existed, 'Don't fuck your life' " Hamza saw Niall's car pulling over and he left, leaving Zayn in the mood to break stuff. And the first thing he did was turning the table and scream in anger. Liam took a sip on the bottle and grabbed Zayn pulling him against the wall making him cry on his shoulder.
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To be continued....
