I Don't Want To Be Your Secret (Josh McClorey & Pete O'Hanlon/The Strypes)

Chapter 11

Josh's P.O.V

I made my way to the hospital the next day to see Amy. I decided to take her some flowers, to try and make up for how I'd behaved. Maybe if I'd been more considerate she wouldn't be in here. I sat beside her bed after placing the roses in the vase on the beside table. I slowly reached for her hand holding it gently in mine. She looked so frail and her skin was ridiculously pale. Her hair was thinner as it had begun to fall out but somehow she still had something about her that was just perfect. I slowly kissed her hand before stroking the back of it with my thumb.

"Come on you selfish git. Wake up." I whispered, laughing slightly as I tried my hardest to push the tears back. I felt useless. What could I do? I had no way of being able to help her. I just wanted to see her smile again. Hear her laugh again. I just wanted to take her place. It seemed like even the doctors were just about losing faith in her ever waking up. If that happened, Estelle would be devastated, and so would I. This was all my fault. "Show me all the ways... That I can make you better..." I sang in a low key voice, gently stroking her cheek. "And tell me what you say... To keep you here forever..." At that moment I heard the door open. I quickly stopped singing and looked up to see Estelle standing in the door way.

"Oh. I didn't expect to see you here Josh." She said.

"I er... I just wanted to see if she was okay..." I said, looking back to Amy.

"I don't think it's a good idea you being here." She said, coming further into the room. "It's your fault she's here."

"You think I don't know that!" I snapped. "I hate what we've, what I've done to her! I don't want to see her like this! I want her back the way she was."

"Just go Josh." She sighed. I stood up, grabbing my jacket. I gently held her hand as I whispered.

"See you later Amy." I let go of her and moved to the door. "I'm really sorry." Estelle didn't even look at me. I could see her tears spilling as I left, carefully closing the door. I looked at my phone and if I was quick I'd still make it to my music lesson. I couldn't let us both fail the assignment.

I got to school where the lads where waiting for me by the gates.

"Aye where have you been?" Ross asked.

"Just doing stuff." I shrugged.

"What stuff?" Evan laughed.

"Does it matter?" I sighed.

"Yes." Pete laughed.

"Just leave it yeah!?" I shouted, going inside.

"What's this matter with you!?" Evan shouted, catching up with me.

"Nothing..." I sighed. "Sorry, I have somewhere to be..."

I got up to the music class and the lesson had already begun. I made my way into a studio and picked up the guitar, playing a few chords. I looked in Amy's lyric book. She'd leant it me to have a look through see if there was anything of use. She'd written some amazing things all with personal meanings. Some about her depression and anxiety, her self-harming and her eating disorder. If you didn't know her personally you'd never have guess what was being put across in these lines, but if you knew her, not even as well as some people. Even if you knew only the slightest things about her like I do, you'd understand that there's more to her. There's always something else she says when she's speaking. With Amy you have to read between the lines to completely understand. If you don't, you have no chance. She'd say that she was tired, and she would mean she was tired and needed to sleep, some people just don't realise that there's more to it. As well as generally just being tired, she could be saying that she's tired of fighting to keep someone in her life, or that she's tired of pretending to be okay. Sometimes there's something else going on with people, you just need to read in between the lines. I kept plucking at the strings reading through her lyrics and my own when I saw one of hers that stood out. Your words harsher than the sharpest blade, cutting me open inside and out, I know you're bad for me but I can't pull myself away. I sat scratching my head as I tried to make sense of it. It wasn't half bad but maybe not together. It needed shuffling and somethings needed taking away and replaced with something else. What I did like was the 'I know you're bad for me' so I took that and added it to our project.

"I know you're bad for me... But I still wanna try..." I sang, choosing the right chords and fitting it together.

I stayed late that evening, finishing everything off so all that was left was the recording. As soon as Amy was awake and back at school we could finally finish the song. At 6 pm I'd finished completely. 4 hours working had paid off. I contemplated going to the hospital to see Amy, see if there was any change, but decided against it. I wanted to avoid a slanging match with Estelle. Her best friend was severely ill and the last thing she needed was me wandering around the place. I picked up my bag and Amy's book and headed home.

I laid back on my bed holding the book close to me chest. It was getting late and I was getting tired. I decided I'd go and see Amy tomorrow morning, just so I knew she was okay. I closed my eyes still holding the book in my arms as if it was Amy herself and I drifted off to sleep.