It's Nothing To Worry About

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*previously*

"I had got to hold my baby. They were so tiny, it hadn't formed properly yet but you could see that it was a human, it had
human features and characteristics. It was heartbreaking to see and to go through it was even worse.

Dan comforted me that night and we both cried and had our moments it even though this whole thing is upsetting, it's a part of life and that's the way it goes. "

The journey home was filled with silence and tears. I just felt so empty. I knew that I couldn't change it and it was not my fault  but I couldn't help thinking what I had done wrong, what if I hadn't eaten enough or maybe I ate too much? What if I knocked my stomach quite hard without realising? Will we have to bury our child? What do we do with their tiny body? Of course we have to bury the baby. We can't just leave it in the hospital forever.

All these questions running around in my mind almost made me dizzy and I felt like I had to throw up.

When we got home I went straight to bed to go for a nap. I was kind of hoping that it was all a bad dream, that I would wake up and I would throw up and have butterflies in my stomach telling me my baby was alright. I knew that was hopeless but I couldn't help but think about it and hope that it was all just a nightmare, a twisted nightmare.

My nap had turned out to be a 12 hour sleep. A sleep my body must have decided it needed to rest after all it's been through hell in the past few days.

I went through to the lounge to find Dan because all I wanted at that moment was to sit on the couch, watch movies and cuddle all day. Of course, he wasn't there. He's been disappearing a lot recently and it hadn't bothered me until now.

I don't understand why he's doing this and why I can't get an explanation.

I called him and he didn't answer his phone. So I called him again, still no answer. I text him asking where he was and why he disappeared but no reply.

I threw my phone on the floor as hard as I could and I actually think I heard it crack. But that was the least of my concerns right now and I began to cry. I didn't even feel like crying before but I felt like I needed to now.

As I was crying, more and more thoughts started creeping their way into my mind. Things like how was I going to tell everyone that the baby died?especially when everyone was so happy about it? What if they think it was just an act, a cry for attention? Do I try for another baby? If so when.

I grabbed my laptop from the side and began researching burial services and coffins and all that sort of stuff. It was rather upsetting to do but I felt it was necessary and as bad as it sounds, I just wanted it out of the way. I also started to script what I was going to say in the video, even thought I might just go on a live stream and explain it better detail there.

A few hours had gone by and Dan still hadn't come home. By this point, I was so angry at him and I didn't know what to think. You might think that I'm being over dramatic but after all that's happened and he decided to fuck off to who knows where. See, I don't usually swear but right now I feel the need to.

Finally, Dan came back from wherever on earth he was. "And where were you?" I ask stubbornly. He doesn't reply. He just walked straight into the spare room, his old room and slams the door shut.

I started crying again.

~the next morning~

I woke up sprawled over the couch. With a sore neck and back. I headed over to the kitchen and made some breakfast. I didn't bother making anything for Dan as I just assumed he'd went out again during the night.

To my surprise, he walked through the kitchen door. And not so surprising, he kept his head low and avoiding looking at me.

"Dan, what is wrong? And where have you been going recently?" I asked sort of mad but as calm as I could make out.

"I've being seeing some people and going some places. It doesn't matter right now but it will at some point" he replied, rather Vaguely 

"All I wanted to do yesterday was cuddle and chill out, take my mind of things for a little bit but you'd ran off to wherever you'd went leaving me in tears wondering what on earth I had done" I said, my eyes starting to water

"Phil I had no idea, I just..." He stuttered

"You just what Dan? You just ran off away to who knows where doing who knows what, not answering your phone or anything? You just completely forgot about your boyfriend who's just lost a baby, YOUR BABY" I was beginning to shout, the tears pouring down my face by this point.

Dan held my hands and he looked at me. He had this weird glint in his eyes that I've never seen before. And truth be told, it was rather every "Look I can not tell you where I was or what I was doing, not yet at least. One thing I promise is that right now, it's nothing for you to worry about" yeah that'll be right. I'm still going to worry like heck.

He got some cereal and sat down at the table. I got my breakfast and sat opposite him. He just started the the wall and then at my hands, and then out the window.

When he was finished, he scuttled away to the office and shut the door.

I sat at the table, thinking about everything.  This was the first time anything had ever started to go wrong, throughout the entire of our relationship. I just hope everything doesn't turn into a complete disaster. It sure seems like it's heading that way though.

Now, re-telling the world. How do we, or I, explain to the world that the baby we were so excited about and were so happy about is gone. They had a positive reaction to the whole thing, hopefully they will be nice about this.

I started to walk to our room to get changed and whatever else. I intentionally walk past the office. I don't know what Dan is doing but I walk slowly past the door, trying to hear what he is doing. I stop when I hear his phone start to ring, and obviously, I listen in

"Hey"
...
"Yeah, I did"
...
"I went today. I don't think he suspects it. Why?"
...
"Oh right, um that's an issue"
...
"Well I was planning on doing it in a couple of weeks but there's been a lot of things happening recently"
...
"Sorry I can't tell you about that, too personal"
"But yes. I will let you know as soon as the deed is done"
...
"Ah yes. I will talk to you soon. Thank you again by the way"
...

"I hope this all works out too, bye"

I slowly back away from the door, wide eyed and open mouthed. What on earth is about to happen?

DUN DUN DUN what is Dan planning ;)

So hello! I hope you enjoyed this. It isn't the best piece of writing but it could be 10x worse ^^

Please tell me what you think of this. Thanks

Peace, Alisha (that is my name in case you didn't know)

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