the replacement project :: c.h.

twenty one » #michara and long-losts

a/n - are you guys ready for the downfall? because it starts right here.

here we goooooo,

stay happy,

x bri.

-

[ cara ]

"That's enough, Cara, stop it."

"I don't know if I-I can-"

"If you don't slow your breathing, you're going to hyperventilate."

"I don't know h-how, Mom!"

"Okay, okay, it's okay, I'm sorry." Mom's grip around my waist tightened, her hand continuing to caress the upper part of my back. It was soothing, yeah, but not soothing enough. Not soothing enough to make me feel any less anxious or any less afraid than I felt twelve hours ago after seeing the pictures. "Just relax, Cara, the last thing I want is for you to have an attack."

I nodded and attempted to take long, deep breaths, understanding that what Mom was saying was in the end, pretty true - if I kept this up, all the panic and heavy breathing and crammed thoughts, it wouldn't take too long until I started to feel my lungs shrink and my vision starting to blur - I had to gain some sense of control, I knew that. I've been acting out of my head ever since I left the wedding hall early a few hours ago, crying and then staring into space and then crying again and repeating the whole process - it was like I'd pushed a button and something inside of me shattered.

Or maybe it was finally just becoming too much for me to hold altogether, now. Maybe I wanted out.

"How're you so being so modest about this?" I finally asked quietly, after taking a couple of moments to focus on returning to a normal breathing pace. I pushed my frizzy, tear-stained brown hair away from my face so that I could look up at my Mom, curiously. "I-I showed you the pictures and the messages and y-you haven't cried once. You haven't broken down once yet, and I don't understand."

Mom only exhaled loudly and shook her head, shifting on my mattress so that she was sitting in front of me and looking me in the eye, "I've got hope. I've got an endless supply of hope that I depend on even when it starts to look like hope isn't going to be enough, anymore."

I blinked and darted my eyes all across her face in confusion, thinking that maybe it would click after a few moments, only it didn't. It wasn't like I didn't have any hope, in fact, I had plenty of hope. Hope was all I'd really been relying on since all of this started, but it was beginning to feel like it just wasn't enough for me to depend on anymore. "I still don't get it, y-you just rely on hope? For everything? Don't you ever feel like it's just not enough reassurance?"

"All the time. I know that I don't know if your sister is still alive right now, I get that. But it's all about having hope - I'm not going to cry until I see her body not responding to me calling her name. I'm not going to cry until I touch her skin and I feel no warmth. I'm not going to cry until I know for a fact that she's gone. Until then, I have hope. I'm not going to let myself fall apart just yet, you know?"

"But the pictures..."

She poked her tongue into her right cheek, looking away for a moment. It was like she didn't know if what she was about to say was even truthful. "They hurt. They hurt more than anything I've ever felt before, Cara. Seeing someone you would throw absolutely everything into flames for laying lifeless like that hurts. But nonetheless I've got hope that we're going to get her back. And when that happens, we'll all be here to help the bruises heal, right? You'll be there for your sister, right?"

"Right." I whispered quietly. I knew a part of what I said was true, if- I'm sorry, when, Elena eventually comes back, it's a given that people are going to be attached to her for a while- check in on her every half hour or so, sing her to sleep, wait for her outside of the bathroom door - I was well aware. I wanted to be one of those people. I wanted to make sure that when she came back, she wouldn't be afraid to close her eyes, to fricking blink - but how the hell was I supposed to do that, be there for her all the time, knowing that I was in love with and wanted her boyfriend? I bit down on my bottom lip, "Mom, I- what Emma said, the other day, about me ruining El and Cal's life because-"