Baby's Breath

Chapter 6: barbeque

"Jess, you look good." Throwing a glance over his shoulder, Josh stepped out, the door closing behind him. "Are you okay?"

Suddenly, I felt shy and naked. Like last night. I wanted to hug him, kiss him, feel his arms around me. "Yeah, I am. Mom and Dad want to invite you guys as a thank you to a barbeque today. Thanks for saving me from drowning."

Josh moved closer, his hands gripping mine. My body responded with a sharp quiver and I gasped. "No, are you okay?" he enunciated every word, his eyes deepening into mine.

Crusty old blood popped into my head along with my ruined flesh, but I nodded anyway. "Yes, I'm fine if I think I know what you're talking about. What about you?"

He slouched against the door, his face still worried. "Jess, why didn't you tell me you were a virgin?" A ripple of shame shimmied up my back and heat slapped my face. I yanked from his grip and took an involuntary step back. Seeing how he had hurt me, he tried to placate me. "No, no, that's not what I mean. Gosh, Jess." He dropped his head back and stared at the sky with a sigh. "You're so special to me, I wish you had told me." He lowered his face and met my gaze. "We could've waited." He blinked, pain made his eyes sparkle.

I couldn't even begin to know how to define the emotions I felt right then and there, but he did make me feel like it was all for nothing. I had sacrificed my poor nerves of gathering courage for months, my heart to share with him how I felt, and most of all my virtue. Anger whipped up as a protective shield and I took another step back. When I finally found my voice, I said, "I wanted to, Josh. Are you saying you regret it? I mean, I'd been planning it for months; it was not based off of a whim. My mistake I guess." Boy, did I feel like a total idiot fool. Audra told me that guys never cared whether you were a virgin or not, all they cared was about getting some. So what happened to Josh? Did he think I was ugly? Fat? Worthless? Had I known how he really felt, I wouldn't have considered having sex. Too furious to remain in his presence, I was too happy to abandon my car and walk away. I'd come and get it later.

"No, Jess, come back!" his voice broke when he called out to me. "I didn't mean for it to come out that way."

I walked faster, hating every minute of this. His feet quickened along the sidewalk, and so did mine. "Leave me alone!" I finally said, readying to spring into full tilt.

"No," he said, not out of breath like me. "No, I won't leave you alone. Jess, if you don't regret it, then I don't. I really care for you and want you to be happy."

I stopped sprinting and whirled around to meet his gaze, my chin high. "What planet are you from? Audra tells me guys don't care about these sort of things with girls." I shrugged from him, giving a nervous glance at their house in case she watched us—I hadn't gotten far.

Josh didn't seem to care whether Audra watched or not as he took a step closer. "You are not just any girl. I've had my share and no one is like you. Jess, I love you." His head fell back with a heavy sigh, his hands in his pockets. "As you know, Tara and I had our differences. I didn't like the way she flirted with every guy that walked her way. She loved spending my money on the stupidest things. She wanted to get a hysterectomy the same day as her implants. Jess," he straightened, his hands dancing along my arms. "You are not like her, like most girls. Audra talks about you a lot and I like what I hear."

I laughed with a bitter taste in my mouth. "Aren't you a bit young to think like this?" My heart gained altitude from his viewpoint, though I was not ready for marriage. Im getting mixed signals from this paragraph, is she bitter? excited? where did marriage come from?

"Mom loved Dad so much, she made a huge impact on me and how I view marriage. I want to be like her before, you know? I want to be the dad I miss so much." A little smile trembled over his lips.