Baby's Breath

Chapter 7: alone

He didn't say a word, but followed me through the archway and into the living room. I didn't want to make it obvious, rather, more natural. Once I stopped, I spun around and folded my arms, my throat knotted from the unexpected rush of emotions.

"What's going on?" He blinked, his face open and confused, but wary.

His expression struck a yearning chord inside of me, but I had to be strong. "I don't get you, Josh. You didn't have a problem making your feelings known to me last night and now you want to pretend that nothing happened. What's wrong with you?" Argh! How my voice revealed my disgruntlement.

Josh shot a gaze toward the entrance, shuffled around, and grabbed his hair. "Why are you asking me this now? I mean, now? Here at your folks' house? With Audra and my parents, too?"

I wasn't getting through to him. An unexpected pain stabbed my heart and my chin flexed for a quick second. I was not going to cry! "Yes, now!" I didn't care if anyone heard me. I didn't want to be treated like this. It was mean, I know.

"I can't, not now." He moved away, giving me a long look. "Sorry."

Powerless and desperate, I felt him slip through my fingers. I was losing this battle! "No. Not this time." I lunged for his shirt and grabbed it. With one great yank, I made him lose his balance but he found it again. "Don't you ever blow me off like that again. I deserve an explanation."

Josh hesitated, glanced behind him, then stared at me for a while. His tongue darted across his mouth and he hunched a bit, his hands gesturing. "Look, Jess," he whispered, "you're a great girl, you make me laugh and smile since day one. I mean," he shot another glance behind him, "I haven't thought of Tara once since we broke up."

Yes, I was still losing. There was no way I could change his mind about us. I still wanted to see him, maybe be his girlfriend? Why? Why did he make me feel so small and unwanted? "But?" My voice shook.

"Last night was very special—you're very special." He dropped his hands, straightened his back, and closed his eyes with a deep breath. "It's going to be hard for us because I'm going back to school when spring break is over. I'll hardly be around. That sorta thing is hard on relationships."

The carpet snagged on my heel when I took a step back. Grief left me dark and empty and I gasped at its potency. "So that's just it, then? Since September, those kisses, the time we spent until last night, dismissed? If distance was an issue before, why mention it now?"

"Last night confirmed how I feel about you and you for me, but we can't make a go of it right now. There's too much at stake." Josh turned his foot toward the dining hall, his shoulder angling as well.

Grief mutated into rage and my face heated with the insult. "Where was this cool thinking last night when I lay naked in your arms then, Josh? Where?"

"Shh, they're going to hear." His face creased into a plea and he flew to me, pulling me into his arms.

"No." I pushed him away, hating him and myself for my stupidity, lack of foresight and desperation.

"I've always felt something for you, Jessica. I'm not lying when I say you're special. I love you. I do. It was also my fault you got hurt and I wanted to show you that I was sorry."

"You felt sorry for me?" Oh my gosh. That was it. Was it possible for humiliation to feel worse? "You made love to me because . . . you felt sorry?" I paced back and forth in a tight little line. "Can this get any worse?"

"Freak, Jess, didn't you hear me say that I love you?"

"Whatever." My heart shut down and the tears finally came. "If you really did, you wouldn't hurt me like this."

"Love is simple and complicated at the same time, that's what you're feeling."

"What I'm feeling is betrayed. Gosh, I hate you!" I screamed, obeying the angry side of my heart. I jumped toward him and slapped him as hard as I could. Josh stumbled back, but caught his balance. His eyes turned hard, his face shone red, and his hair swept off to the side from my assault. I wanted to pull him into my arms and kiss him like crazy. But I didn't.

"Jessica," his voice was quiet, but not venomous. "Do you realize how old you are? How old I am?"

My voice refused to cooperate and I crossed my arms. What a stupid thing to ask—of course I knew he was older than me. So what? All I could do was shrug.

"Love isn't recognized according to the law when you're nineteen and sixteen. It will ruin my life forever and I can't let that happen."

Statutory rape. "But you didn't rape me—I'm the one who started it. I wanted it. I want you still. Oh, gosh, Josh, how can you just leave like this? Don't you know how much it hurts?" I dropped to the wall, and shook my head as I nibbled my lip with a scoff. "Where was this fine sensibility last night, hu?"

"Of course it hurts and by the way I feel about you, how could I resist?" He pulled me into his arms, his chin resting on my head. "We can still hang out, but, but I don't think we should do the rest."

"Josh, please tell me you felt something last night." I held my breath and watched him carefully. Hoping with all my heart that he felt it, too.

His silence thickened before he drew in his breath. "I've always felt it. Even before, but . . . we shouldn't see each other anymore." His arms fell away and he took a step back. "I love you too much to hurt you, Jess." Then he was gone.