Baby's Breath

Chapter 29: safe

The little, strange pokes didn't stop. I soon grew to hate them and they happened every time my blood pressure rose from crying, getting angry, or stressing out. Along with the annoyance, my bouts of exhaustion came back and so did my dizziness and nausea. Being pregnant was no picnic.

What made it worse was my shortness of breath along with heartburn. It was awful. I had stitch-like pain under my belly that hurt my groin as well, and my tailbone killed me by the time my day at school ended. Imagine six hours or so of nothing but sitting. The agony!

Then came that ugly, dark line that ran from my bellybutton down to my groin. Was it normal? Was that the line that the surgeons cut if a woman had to have a cesarean? The stretch marks became darker and my belly itched. Sleep got harder and I noticed that I felt better only when I turned to my left side. My right side made me feel as if things were going to spin off a merry-go-round and I was dizzier.

A sharp beeping sound went off and pulled me from a deep sleep. I blinked, staring around to see what it was that had awakened me. The sound came again and I realized what it was. It was Audra. She had texted.

"Rick is acting strange lately. I miss you."

"Oh no! Tell me what is going on? I've missed you so much. I almost told my mom, but it didn't feel right. My body is doing the weirdest things. I think the strange little pokes I've been feeling might be the baby's idea of having fun with me. It really creeps me out that I have a little person growing inside me, and I prefer not to think of it as that."

I stared at my message with my lips in a pout. If I hit send, and she didn't reply, I would hate myself for being so desperate. I backspaced the entire thing and hesitated. What would I say? After thinking for a long while, I shut my phone off and dropped it to the floor.

"Yeah, if you really missed me, you'd tell me sorry and share all your heartaches with me. How I hate you for not sitting with me at lunch."

I thought of how the library became my best friend. I was still scared to read up on pregnancy, because anyone could happen by and see what I was reading. Then the whole school would know. It was better to just avoid giving myself away.

During lunch, before I would bawl my eyes out in the bathroom—misery somehow made me feel better—I noticed that Audra wasn't as rosy and bright-eyed as she used to be. I wondered if it had anything to do with Rick acting weird.

An evil thrill exploded inside me. I hoped she was pregnant, too. That way, she'd know exactly how I felt. But she never gave any hints. She didn't act pregnant and I became angry again. Since going through it, I'd recognize the tiniest symptoms.

Then one night, after my usual hormonal crying-to-the-point-that-I-hyperventilated, the little annoying thumps returned. Why were they always on the same spot? What was the dumb baby doing in there anyway? I growled, and clawed my stomach, telling it to shut up. Just shut up!

I stomped to the bathroom, hoping I hadn't awakened anyone, and plopped on the toilet. It hurt to go. Constipation didn't leave me alone, even if I did drink two gallons of water a day. Or was it more? It didn't matter, I drank so much that I peed so much, yet, my poop was still as hard as a rock.

The baby finally fell silent, and as I admired my nails, gas popped out from me. About half a second later, the baby jumped—I even saw my stomach move from it being startled. Then the little pokies came back, but in a slightly different location. Then it hit me all at once.

Those were hiccups. I had scared the baby when I farted!

My stomach tickled with giggles. My hand pressed the little hiccups and I knew its head was there. How weird to have the baby's head way down there. I had no idea. My giggles turned to chuckles, and soon, to gusts of laughter. I watched as my tummy bounced from my hysteria, and I could only imagine how the little guy curled from fear of such a ruckus. Tears poured down my face, and I started to sob. My diaphragm ached, my face ached, my entire body ached! I'd never laughed as much as I did right then.

I stared in wonder at my tummy. I could see it bump up with every one of his hiccups. The floor was cold against my thighs as I had slid to it after I was done, but I didn't care as I hunched over and watched the baby. Something deep down clicked inside of me—in my psyche and I realized there was a real person inside. He had fears, too, just like me. I did not think of him as a person but as something to vex me—until just now. Did he feel happiness? Worry? I smiled, gliding a tender hand across my belly button.

"I scared you," I whispered, giddy from both laughing and crying. "I'm sorry I scared you." Then all the thoughts of killing him, hurting me, and taking the antidepressants sucked the breath from me with a gasp.

New tears of regret streamed, and I cradled my growing tummy. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," was all I could say. I couldn't do this to him. He was innocent and it would be unfair to make someone so small and helpless pay for my crimes.

Back in my room, I curled on my bed, naked, with my door locked. I glided fingertips across the smooth skin of my stomach, feeling the tiny squiggles of stretches there. It was weird how I got so many of those and thought they only came if you grew too fast, like Robert. He grew so fast, he had them along the length of his legs. Had I grown that fast in a short amount of time?

I thought about health class and how drugs affect a person's body. I wondered how the antidepressants Dr. Roberts prescribed had affected the baby. Horror prickled down my back with the realization and it was right then and there that I decided to quit taking my meds; my ups and downs compared very little to keeping the baby alive and healthy—right?

"Why did you choose me, little one? Why? I am just a kid, plus, I'm not married." For me, that provided a better sense of stability. "I mean, I didn't love you at first." I swallowed the quivering lump down that formed in my throat. "But I will protect you."

The image of giving birth to him gave me chills. But how? How was I going to do it? Now that I didn't want to kill the baby with my crazy miscarriage antics, but to have him safely. What was I going to do now? I had to admit, my stress levels did go down a bit since I became one with Babykins. I smiled more, laughed more—I felt like the glowing maternal mommy on the front of any baby magazine.

At school, I even found myself caressing my tummy under the desk. Whoa, I had to be ultra-careful with that.

"Are you doing what I think you're doing?" Audra sneered, her eyes rising from my hand.

"Nope." I quickly looked down at my paper so that she wouldn't think I cared to meet her gaze.

"I saw you touching your stomach."

I lifted my eyes and couldn't help the little smile. "Yeah, well, I see you doing it too when you rush to the toilet." Her upper lip curled, and she huffed as she did an attitude head swing. "Keep walking," I whispered, finishing my assignment.

There were times when I'd sit there, with my head back and eyes closed, listening to the many times he kicked. How beautiful . . .

But there was still that creeping little snake of worry that would slither up and bite me. It still scared the crap out of me, having a baby because I'd let everyone down. Though I seemed happier, my doubts had now taken a turn for the worse.

Rather than running scared for my life, I was running scared for his. How would I have him without abandoning him? Leaving him alone in the dumpster didn't sit right with me anymore. But, what choice did I have? I knew there were other choices, such as leaving him at a police station and such, but, what if they had cameras and saw me doing it? I shivered.

Hot tears clung to my lashes, this newfound fear was an altogether frightening thing. "What am I going to do, little one?" And now I was back to ground zero—my heart breaking all over again. This time for the drive to keep my little one safe.