Baby's Breath

Chapter 28: go bump

I sat curled on the office chair, a cold paper towel on my eyes to soothe the swelling. The office was quiet, the gentle humming of voices as the personnel handled phones and other tasks.

In this chair, I paid attention to the feeling of the air. It was calm, soothing, almost haunting in a mournful way. The main door opened, and the atmosphere shifted. Anxiety mixed with urgency and longing drifted to me and the next thing I knew, she sat beside me, her arms around my shoulders. It was Mom's presence I felt.

"Jessica, the office called me to come and get you. They said you aren't feeling well. What happened?"

I pulled the towel from my eyes and cleared my throat, testing it. It was still hoarse from my incident. "Not here, please."

"Okay, okay." She pulled away, deep lines of worry etched under her eyes. I could tell she'd been crying. "Let me check you out first."

I nodded, and dragged my book bag. Anxiety plagued me, and I hurried out into the car, not bothering to wait. It was nice and sun-hot in the car. My hair looked horrible, as did my face. It was splotchy, damp, and swollen from so many tears.

What're you going to tell Mom? Hm? The truth. I clammed from the ringing answer, extremely doubtful I could do such a thing. As if.

She opened the door and slid right in, buckling her belt. I buckled mine. "Sweetie, tell me what's going on?" Mom touched my hand and squeezed it. Instinctively, I brought it to my cheek and nuzzled it. I hated how fear always choked me up when I thought of my predicament.

"I've been depressed for so long, I can't handle it anymore." Ready tears blurred my vision, and I sniffled. "I'm sorry. It's so hard. I really can't talk about it. I just want you to show me that you love me." I lifted my face and dove into her weeping eyes. Her lips turned down, her chin dimpled from holding off from crying.

"Okay, sweetie. I'll show you all the love I have." Mom pulled me into her arms and rocked me. "It'll be alright, I promise you. Just hang in there. Take it a little at a time. Be good to yourself. I'm here for you, okay?" She moved back, holding my gaze.

My heart leaped, wondering if she could read all the lies that swam in my blues. Unable to hold her gaze, I blinked downward. "Okay."

"Don't worry about your chores or homework. Just take a nap, read a book, watch your favorite movie. Do whatever pleases you." She gave me a quick squeeze before turning her attention to backing out and driving.

Oh, how I wished I could tell her. This secret was a festering wound, decaying my spirit every second I kept it hidden. But if I told, she wouldn't be so loving. I stared at her, and wondered what problems she experienced when she was a teen.

"Mom?" My voice broke, and I fumbled with my fingers. "What sort of troubles did you go through when you were my age?" Did she have sex, too? Did she ever have a baby? Give it up? Did she marry as a virgin?

Laugher filled the car, and she shook her head. "Aw, do you have to ask?" She turned left, barely gracing me with a glance.

"I want to know. I feel so alone, and I want to know if you went through what I'm going through." I bit my lip because I wasn't being entirely honest. Yet, if she did go through what I did, she'd be the last one to judge me.

"Well, I did do tons of crying. It was second nature. My comfort zone." Mom sighed, shaking her head. "Grandpa was never home—always off serving, you know?" Yep, the Air Force was in our blood. Boy, I was a true military brat. "I always tried different ways to get him to notice me. I dyed my hair black. Shaved my head bald—."

"You did what?" I laughed, trying to imagine Mom doing such outrageous stuff.

She laughed right with me. "Yes, I shaved my hair. He loved long hair, and would always tell me to never cut it. I hated it because he never noticed whether I curled or straightened or anything to it. Until I dyed it black. Oh, boy."