Baby's Breath

Chapter 8: loss of appetite

As if I was going to hang out with him after what we shared and in the next breath, saying never mind. Anger, humiliation, fear and loneliness haunted me more than ever for the next two weeks and left me feeling exhausted. The more I thought about it, another emotion arose and I couldn't pinpoint what it was, but it left me feeling ashamed. Josh was everywhere. His voice through Audra's cell, his smiles as I had forced myself to go to her house so to avoid parental and Audra's suspicion, the thank-you pie made by her mom brought over by Josh. It was getting harder and harder.

The vaginal stinging eventually went away, leaving me frustrated because I couldn't confide in Audra to see if it was normal to begin with. I didn't want to tell Josh the damage he'd inflicted. What was the point if he made it obvious he didn't want to be with me?

In contrast, his tenderness also haunted me. Both from the night I lost it to him as well as how he broke up with me. He seemed upset over letting me down, even heartbroken. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I lost a lot of sleep and suddenly started having the strangest, most vivid dreams: locked in huge buildings, always trying to find a way out. Sometimes there were people chasing me with guns. I believed dreams spoke to people and revealed much about a person, and mine told me that I felt trapped somehow.

Audra noticed my strange behavior. "You've been acting weird lately. Are you okay?"

I wasn't sure if she was asking about my sulkiness, or not feeling comfortable around everyone. Living a disconnected life started to wear on me, but with Josh gone, it got easier to get over. I wasn't ever going to have sex with him again. It was only once anyway. Mom and Dad didn't have to know. My brain finally registered that she had spoken. "Did you say something?" Audra didn't have to know.

"You see, you're doing it again. Whatcha thinking about, weirdo?"

We slid into our usual table in the cafeteria after standing in the long lunch line. My shoulders tensed, but I kept drinking my juice. Was I that obvious? I'd have to try harder. "Can't get my mind off the pool incident." I shuddered for effect. "Scarred for life, I guess." A sudden yawn attacked me. "Oh, big yawn." Why was I so tired?

Her face softened, and she squeezed my hand. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I think it freaked Josh out too,"—I drew in a breath and closed my eyes for a second, not sure if I wanted to hear anything about him anymore—"because he's been a major space cadet. You should have seen him his last day of spring break." She chuckled and stuffed the taco in her mouth with a crunch.

"What do you mean?" My mind drifted to the last time I had really talked to him. In my living room over our break up. Yes, I probably still cared for him, even loved him, but I was angry at his indecisiveness. It all boiled down to plain loneliness and dejection.

"Well." She dabbed her mouth with a napkin, but took another bite. "What I should have said was you should've seen him before he left. It was as if he didn't want to be around, being all quiet and stuff. He just up and left without saying bye. What a jerk."

"Is that usual?" I doubted it as he was probably feeling just as miserable if he really meant everything he said. Odd, but if that was the truth, it didn't help me feel any better. I wanted to hear it from him. "Do you want that?" I pointed to the crispy twisty things in her salad.

"Have at it." She wrinkled her nose and dumped her salad onto my plate. "I think drowning turned you into some vegetarian nut—don't you want your tacos?"

They sat there in a pool of russet grease and my stomach lurched. "Ew, look at all that grease. Doesn't it look gross?"

"Give them to me," she demanded, plucking a taco before I could say yes.

The goo oozed down from her mouth and I shuddered. "Disgusting." I tossed my napkin at her. "Oh, I'll be right back." Her eyebrows pinched up and I said, "Restroom."