Reckless

You Don't Want This Story

(Content warning)

Jana-

Dead. He wanted to be dead. Staring up at the ceiling in the padded cell he'd been in for three days, Jana slowly rocked his head side to side on the carpeted floor. He was in a straight jacket, but he hadn't gone into it willingly. Two guards had bloody noses and Tommy had earned a kick to his lower torso.

It doesn't matter anymore. You barely ever mattered, anyways. Emmet, my baby. Mine.

His lips turned up into a twisted smile as a tired laugh left them. "Mamma thought you mattered. When you were three she took you to the arcade for your birthday."

Jana tilted his head to the right, feeling the carpet press against his cheek.

"Then she left and got high as fuck. She forgot to get you."

A yawn broke his grin, then he sat up.

"Daddy never forgot about you." He reminded himself as a shudder wracked his body and his head tilted back, eyes rolling slightly in his head. He felt himself growing hard and wanted to vomit. "Daddy always had time for you, even when mamma was pregnant. Boy did he have time for you."

Anger quickly quelled the heat burning in his crotch as his eyes refocused on the dim lights overhead. Lights out had been hours ago, but the lights were never turned off completely in the psychiatric ward. One of them flickered, making Jana's left eye begin to twitch at the same speed.

"You wanted to be loved, so much. You started thinking that it was okay to get it from daddy. Every night after mamma fell asleep. Boy did she like to sleep when she was pregnant. How long ago was that? fifteen years? Sixteen?"

He'd stopped counting that first night his father had joined him in his bed. Hell, he only knew he was twenty-six now because Emmet had given him a small ice cream cake two months ago with the numbers on it.

That was a good cake. So fucking good.

Jana had never been one to like sweets, but when Emmet gave it to him, he ate it all. Sure it was a little store-bought thing, but it was from someone who actually cared enough to get it.

"Daddy always gave you birthday fucks." He reminded himself, laughing at the comment as he leaned back onto the carpet again. "Those were his favorite."  

Jana licked his lips, tasting the cake Emmet had bought him on them, even though it had been months since he'd eaten it.

"Daddy always got me a cake. He loved to smear it all over me. So busy those nights. Barely even got to sleep before school the next day."

His thoughts began to fracture as the need to sleep tried to pull him under. Forcing the feeling away, Jana blinked up at the lights and felt his face begin to crumple. "Baby, come back. Please. I won't hurt myself again. Please. The scars are yours. All of them are for you, Emmet. You always looked so happy to see me, even through that disapproving look you gave when you saw the new injuries I made."

Jana's breath hitched on a sob, but the tears refused to come. "I'll take the kiss back. It wasn't mine to take. I shouldn't have thought I deserved your attention above normal people. Please come back."

He paused for several moments, just taking his time to breathe. One. Two. Three. Four. Four. Three. Two. One. He counted in his mind, forward and backward. Forward and backward.

"I fucking killed them, okay? Is that what you want to come back? To walk through the door and say that it was all just a sick fucking joke?" Jana yelled as his jaw clenched tightly. "I fucking killed my poor old daddy. I wasn't gonna kill mamma, though. No, she was carrying my baby brother. I was going to have a little brother! You would have loved him, Emmet... if he were ever born."