Tough Girl

7: A lie that keeps a truth a secret

Last night, Andrew wasn't home. This was unexpected but not unusual. These days I wonder what he's up to, not that I'd really care much if I knew. I question myself about how much I really know about Andrew. Well, I thought, I know everything he wants me to. This, however does not help much as I roam the halls of the school, bustling with students and small outbreaks and very, very, much noise. I groan. All this school work and noise is giving me a headache, along with stomach pains most likely from not eating. Because even though my dad wasn't home, my mom made sure I didn't eat. She hates lying to Andrew about following through with my punishments, whether she approves of them or not.

I join the boys at our table, where Luke says I am always welcome. I sit down between Gabe and Kota today, seeing there is room. And once again, due to nothing to eat, I pull out a book to read. "Sang." North calls. I glance up. "You should eat something." The boys all stop and turn to look at me. I avoid each set of eyes. "Sang?" Kota questions.

"I'm not hungry." I reply, my voice close to a whisper. And it's the truth, if only a piece of it, hiding a series of secrets and lies. Each boy now wears a frown. This concern makes me uneasy and somehow stirs something inside. "Are you sure?" I grit my teeth. I feel like crying. "I'm fine. Why do you even care? You know what, never mind." I say, standing up and exiting the courtyard. Someone follows me but who, I'm not sure.

"Sang!" They call as they chase me into the school. I place the voice; it belongs to Kota. There are tears before I realize I am crying. And then, he is hugging me. "What do you want." I whisper. "We're concerned about you. That's all." I sniff. "Don't be. I'm fine, just like I said." I wanted to believe it. But did I think he would? Did I want him to?

"People only tell what they want people to hear. You're not fine, are you?" I don't reply and he continues. "You think you want me to believe it, so I'll leave you alone. But trust me, alone is the last thing you want to be." The way he is able to tell me how I feel unleashed another sob. We sat down on a nearby bench and he rubbed my back and held me tighter as I cried.

"You want- you want me to second guess your response. To show that I realize you're lying. Because that's what it is: a lie that keeps a truth a secret. That's all it is, isn't it?" I shake my head no, then yes, and I'm not quite sure what I'm responding to or why I'm crying as the tears rain on his shirt.

"K-Kota?" I say quietly. He glances down at me, catching my eyes for a brief second and nodding in acknowledgement. "You're right. I...I'm not..." My mouth can't seem to form the words that are unfamiliar. He gives me a soft smile, and I realize he understands my difficulty. "Go on." He whispers. "I'm not o-okay." I whisper. He rubs my back. "But I'm not ready to tell you guys about it, either." I swallow. It feels like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. "You'll get used to it. Eventually." He tells me. These words stick with me, all the way to seventh period, gym.

"Alright students. We are doing dodgeball today. First, we have three laps around the track. Let's head out!" A series of groans erupts and a couple "shoot me now"s as we walk out to the track. Nathan falls in step behind me. He doesn't say anything right away, so I try. "Nathan are you mad at me?" He shakes his head. "No, if course not. Why would I be?" "Sorry. You weren't talking to me. I just thought-" "It's fine," he interrupts. "I just figured you would breath better if you weren't talking." I nod, because he's right.

The first one isn't bad. The second lap I'm sore. The third lap, I was breathless. Nathan kept pace beside me. I turned my head to smile at him and the next thing I know, I am falling. My elbows scrape the ground and my knees follow after. My left arm hurts. The world is hazy. Nathan is there. I, however, am not.
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When I wake up, my body is being cradled. I am moving. I am... in Nathan's arms? What? I cough a little. "Hold on," he says softly. "We're almost there." I nod and swallow as he pushed open the door to the nurse's office. Inside, a man sits at a desk. "Doc," Nathan says. The man stands and turns around, frowning... And I realize that the man is my Japanese teacher, Dr. Green. I frown.

"Dr. Gre-" My question is cut off by another series of coughs. His frown deepens and he motions for Nathan to set me down on a cot. Dr. Green picks my wrists up and holds my arms above my head as I cough. The coughing eventually dies down and Nathan watches me from across the room as Dr. Green cleans my cuts. "So what happened?" Nathan's shoves his hands in his pockets. "Some girl tripped her on the track. She fell. She blacked out. So I brought her here, like coach asked."

His answer was short, to the point. I cringed at the stinging in my elbows and knees, but also in my heart. I don't meet Nathan's gaze. He probably hates me now. Would the others still like me? I shook were I sat. Dr. Green observed me but I was too tired to notice. I was drained. "Here," Dr. Green offered, holding out a cup of water and some crackers. I only picked up the water and took slow sips. "Sweetheart, you should eat something." I shook my head no. "Why not?" "I can't." He frowns as Nathan steps in. "Sang. You seriously should eat. I'm sure you haven't eaten anything else today." I shrugged my shoulders. This set off an alarm for Dr. Green.

He pulled me off the cot and asked me to step onto the scale. I did. I looked at the ceiling and closed my eyes. Truth be told, I didn't want to see the number. Dr. Green gently tugged me off the scale and I sat back on the cot. "Sang. You are really under the average weight." He observed my pale skin and my tired complexion.

"I want you to be honest with me. What and when was the last time you ate?" I swallow. "Spaghetti." I whisper. "When?" "It doesn't matter." I say quietly, staring at the stark walks. Nathan walks over to me. He looks hurt. "What did you say?" "Nathan." Dr. Green warns.

"You heard me," I say slowly. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that you're fine!" He demands quietly, but I shake my head. "I can't. Won't." Kota's words reverberate through me.

It will get easier.

But right now, I didn't think so. "Then why-" I say them anyway. "I told Kota. And now I'm telling you...I'm not okay, Nathan. But I'm not ready to give reasons and explanations." I briefly meet Dr. Green's eyes as mine blur with tears.

"I'm not going to eat. I'm not going to tell you why and- I'm sorry....please forgive me-" "Don't apologize." Nathan said, hugging me. For the second time that day, I cry. And for the third time in a long time, someone is there for me.