Tough Girl

11: He sought me out first

Running. I was headed straight for a wall. And in front of the wall, it was him. Arm outstretched, ready for me. I was so close to his grasp, I wanted to slow down, or get out of his path. But I could only run one way: towards him.

I blinked, sitting up quickly. I was so glad I didn't wake anyone up. No screaming or crying, just shaking were I sat, my bones haunted. I didn't know what time it was, but it was still dark out. Everyone except for me was asleep. My head hurt. Grabbing my overnight bag, I stood up and tiptoed around each boy. Then, I made my way to the kitchen, silently sitting at one of the chairs and sighing when no one came in and yelled at me for waking them up. The glowing numbers on the microwave read 3:57.

I curled up in my seat, resting my forehead on my knees. What was I doing here? I didn't even deserve Luke's friendship, let alone anyone's worry. And Andrew... what would he say? Images of my nightmare flash before my eyes, and before I can stop myself, I am quietly crying. Crying to myself, until two minutes later, when there were soft footsteps on the hardwood. I didn't look to see who it was, as usual. I didn't want them to know I was crying. I didn't want them to know... but they made their way towards me. And they softly touched my shoulder. And they asked me if I was okay. And I wasn't, so I shook my head. I didn't look at them. But they kneeled in front of me and lifted my eyes.

The blue eyes that held a playful tint earlier, now held a seriousness that overwhelmed me. And he squinted through the darkness, at my trembling, tear strained form, and he pulled me into a hug. And he was there for me. And he was Nathan.

"What happened, Sang? Why are you up?"

"I had a nightmare..." I whisper back, not caring how childish it sounded.

"Is that why you're crying?"

"Yes," I say.

"You should've woken one of us." He sighed, rubbing my back gently.

"I didn't want to... I didn't want you to know I was crying. I didn't want you to know..." I cry softly. He quiets me and holds me. I fall asleep.

-

When I wake up, I am back in my bed. But there is no one around me, and my bag is not next to me anymore. I can hear hushed voices coming from the kitchen, and the smell of food. And then I see Nathan walking towards me with a smile.

"Are you feeling a little better?" I smile.

"Yeah, it's good I went back to sleep. I needed it."

"I know. If you have a problem ever, you can let one of us know, okay? We want to help."

I nod and he helps me stand up, leading me to the kitchen. They are cooking eggs and bacon, and if I could hold something down in the mornings, one thing, I would want it to be this. The boys each gave me a cheerful wave and a bright good morning, which I did my best to return. I spotted my overnight bag in the corner of the kitchen and quickly made my way to it. Pulling my phone out, I checked for any messages that I might've missed. I had one missed text from Marie. Looking it over, it was mostly how she was sorry about the whole punishment thing. I rolled my eyes and sent back a text that said 'whatever'. Even if it wasn't, I wanted to get her off my back. North came over and nudged me.

"Are you going to eat?" I frown as the buzz of the room quiets slightly. I shake my head no with a frown.

"I really can't hold anything down in the morning." I say. He knits his eyebrows together.

"Just eat a little bit, please? I promise I won't be offended if twenty minutes from now you throw it up. Just please, eat a little bit," he says in exasperation.

I bit my lip for a moment. I suppose it couldn't hurt right? He said no harm done, so why can't I? Biting back a small smile, I nod my consent. He hands me a plate with a small amount of eggs and a piece of bacon. I manage to swallow it and keep it down for right now. I end up eating it all, to my surprise, and didn't feel like throwing up. And then, I set off to get changed. The outfit I packed was a pair of light grey leggings, a black- knee length short sleeve dress, and a jean vest.

I let meanie brush out my curls, as he seems to enjoy that. I don't mind either. We don't do much after that, really. Well except play hide and go seek, of course. Which is why I sat perfectly still, silent breaths escaping my lungs, in the shoe closet at the front of Nathan's house. I could hear the boy's voices on the other side of the door. Talking about the nice weather, accusing the champion at the racing video game of being a cheater, Luke asking around if anyone knew where I was hiding.

It reminded me of when I was younger. When my dad and Marie and my mom would all play together... and my dad would pick me up from my hiding spot and twirl me around and yell, "I found the one I've been looking for!" and attack me with tickles. And then I would help him find everyone else, because he always found me first. I liked to think that it wasn't because I was the easiest to find, but rather that he searched for me first. He sought me out first. And Luke opened the closet door, and he yelled I found you, and he picked me up out of the closet and carried me to the couch. And I smiled. Because even though it wasn't exactly the same, it was close enough to what it used to be, and in that moment I didn't care. Because Gabe hadn't been found before I was.