Memoirs Of a survivor

34. Deserved It

*sighs* ah, here we are again, at another err... sensitive (?) chapter, err, you probably get what is going to happen, it doesn't go into a lot of detail about the act itself, just her thoughts and feelings about what happened before and after...

enjoy...

G xoxo

That night when I got home my father was waiting for me.
"go get in the shower, you look fucking awful, and don't put those fucking pyjamas on again, you need to wear real clothes" I frowned, wondering how he knew what I wore,
"I need to go to the gym" I said to him, but instead of him nodding, as I expected, he smacked me in the head, then sent me upstairs. After I washed, I towel dried my hair, and put on jeans and a t-shirt, then went downstairs in search of food.

I made it to the bottom step, and I could hear voices, and then the rustle of paper, ignoring it, I went to the kitchen, only to be followed in by my father, and Freddy, when I noticed them looking at me I got nervous, last time I was with these two people, it didn't end well for me. After a moment of looking at them, dumbfounded, I noticed a bundle of cash in my father's hand, frowning I looked up to his grave face,
"what's going on dad?" I questioned. But he looked away as he said
"we're running low on money," he couldn't look at me, for a moment, then I saw him force a sneer on his face "so I thought I would let the household slut help us out" he heled up the money, then turned to Freddy. "Enjoy" he said as he walked out of the kitchen leaving the two of us.

My eyes went wide as I stood shocked that it was happening again. Freddy got close enough to touch me, and ran his nose up my neck
"mm you smell good" I frowned, wondering how he got so close to me without me noticing. Suddenly, he swept down, and picked me up. It was then that I started to panic and scream "no, stop, please, no I can't do this, please" I struggled in his hands, trying to get away from him, but he just kept walking like I wasn't even there. By the time he made upstairs there were hot tears running down my face, and my screams had become horse, and great sobs were racking my body, I was shaking by the time I made it to the spare room, and I couldn't move for fear. I didn't want it to happen again, I begged and pleaded with him "stop, please, no, don't" he ignored me, and ripped my clothes off; they didn't seem to pose much of an obstacle for him, even though all my struggling. Then he grasped me by my neck, and my sobs turned into uncontrollable whimpers.

I was a mess, my nose was running, I could feel it on my top lip, and I the tears had probably stained my face red and blotchy. I cried and cried in the hope that he would stop, but he didn't he just kept rubbing himself as he watched me. I cowered away from him, but he kept a tight hold on my neck.
"Take my pants off" he grasped me tighter after I didn't move and pulled me closer to him "don't make me ask you again" I reached out and unzipped his jeans then pushed them down, "and the rest" I released another sob as I pushed his boxers down, which he stepped out of then pulled me closer to him. I could feel him poking me in the leg, and another sob fell out of my mouth as I began begging again
"please, don't, you can't" I pleaded but he ignored it as he pushed himself into my hand.

By the end of it, I had sticky white liquid all over me, on my face, on my chest, and stomach, on my hands and on my back. It wasn't as bad as the last time, because he didn't hit me or speak as much, but I still hated every second of it. I would definitely be bruised, from where he had been forceful, and there were finger print shaped bruises all over me. I was numb again. I couldn't believe he had done it again, and I couldn't believe I had let him.

Once he had finished he let me get into the shower, and wash the night off, but it was easier said than done. I had to get out of the shower twice to throw up, and I still didn't feel clean. I couldn't stay in that house, even though I had to go to school tomorrow, so I grabbed clean clothes, and tried to leave. But my father was waiting
"where the fuck do you think you are going?" he stood in the doorway, backing me into the house. I took a deep breath
"I can't stay here" I said in a flat tone. I didn't look into his eyes, juts kept my gaze trained at the floor, away from him.
"You ungrateful bitch" he seethed, and pulled me by my hair into the kitchen, where he pushed me down on a chair to lecture me.

He started with a slap to my face which caused me to hit my head on the table. I shook it off, and sat back up, emotionless. He hit me again, this time with his fist.
"You ungrateful mother fucking bitch," he hit me again, this time; he caught me in the eye. I closed it, because of the pain that was radiating most of my head. The tears welled up, and peaked out. But I still couldn't open my eye, so I sat with my head bowed and my hand covering it. "I feed and water you for 18 fucking years, and you can't even do this one thing for me," hit me again "fuck you" and then he hit me one final time, before retreating out of the room.

I took that moment to gather my things and get out of there. I couldn't take it any longer. It was late so I knew no one would be at the gym, and Joe's office would be unlocked, so I could sleep there. I trudged to the gym, completely unaware of my surroundings, I didn't know how I made it to the gym, and I was just relieved that I had. When I made it to Joes office I sat curled up on his couch, not crying, or feeling anything, just wrapped in a blanket I had found. Thinking how bad my life had to get before it got any better. I drifted off, but woke up, screaming not long later. It happened twice more, before I realised that I wasn't going to get any sleep. The nightmares had intensified, but didn't have the usual effect of scaring me, I just got angry, angry at myself for not defending myself, angry at my dad for letting it happen, and not rescuing me, angry at Freddy for touching me, angry at joe for not knowing what was happening to me, angry at school for not helping. I was angry, I was angry and I was helpless, I knew what I had done to deserve it, but I still felt dirty, and used. I knew I wouldn't be able to look at other people in the coming days, because they would know what I had done. Anger simmered inside me, igniting my blood, and with all the anger that was bubbling up in me I stormed out of the room and over to the punch bags to take it out on them.

I punched for hours until the anger gave way to pain, and then to sorrow, but I punched through it until I was numb. The sound of the door unlocking was the first thing that alerted me to sunrise. I kept punching until I heard my name, when I abruptly stopped punching. I turned and looked to Joe, who's face morphed into a shocked expression he stepped forwards and I moved back, pulling my hood up, then turning to leave but not before he shouted
"why don't you just tell your headmaster about them, you can't fight them off forever" I could feel the raw frustration seeping through is voice, in the words he used, but I was too far gone, nothing was getting though. It didn't affect me. I let the door slam closed , and started walking home.