Junk and Other Stories

Sassin' It Up (Paul's Guide to Ultimate Sass)

Hello, all you lovelies out there! This is Paul McCartney calling from 1964, back when I was the hottest, sassiest diva in the music business. (I bet modern day me is still a hot, steaming chunk of beauty and sass, no?) I'm taking over from Miss Macca for this chapter... which may make a nice change from her usual ramblings.

Anyway, I've noticed a lot of you so-called "WattPadders" commenting all kinds of sassy things for me to say, and I must admit they're pretty good. I did, however, notice some weren't quite as sassy as others. So here I am to give you a full tutorial on how to be a sassy, sexy best like yours truly.

Here we go!

Sassin' It Up Tip #1: Be a Bit Cheeky

Listen, loves, you want to be confident, not cocky. You want to be honest, but not hurtful. And you want to be cheeky, but not rude. Cheeky is when you say something where the words might be a little brash, but you say it with a smile on your face, and you don't actually mean anything by it. It's a spice of attitude thrown in the mix! 

It's a pretty common term in British English; its closest American equivalent? A sassy smart-ass.

For example: The next time your friend texts you saying, "Hey! Can I come over and pick up with your weasel?". They could have simply made a typo (like saying 'weasel' instead of 'easel' or something), but here's your chance to be cheeky! Instead of replying with a plain "Okay!", reply with "What?! I am a weasel all of a sudden?! RUDE.".

For extra sass, add several emojis. My personal favourite is a winky face with its tongue out.

Sassin' It Up Tip #2: Be Quick with a Comeback

When John (my stupid boyfr - I mean, BEST MATE) says he's leaving my party to go to a cooler one, I tell him he might want to change first, so his shirt matches his shoes. Don't finish with a coy smile and a laugh - that's for wimps and basic bitches!  I'd opt for a snip-snap, hair-tossed retort full of vitriol. Show the haters what you can do! Play the game, baby!

Some Good Sass-Filled Comebacks:

 "I think you are confusing me with a person that gives a sh*t what you think."

"Gosh, your life must be so sad if you've got nothing better to do than annoy me."

"Do you mean to mumble, or is your mouth just full of bullsh*t?!"

"Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people."

Sassin' It Up Tip #3: Be Bursting with Confidence

 If there's one thing that's true about all sassy girls (and guys!), it's that they're confident. It takes knowing and loving yourself to have that gusto to do your own thing, to speak your mind, to not have the personality of a wilting wallflower. So to empower your inner sass, grab that confident girl within you and let her out! Because she's freaking cool.

I mean, no basic bitch is going to step down if you ask her nicely. You need to sass her back to primary school! Unleash the beast that lies within, flick your hair (sassily!) over your shoulder, place a hand on your hip, and give that little poser a piece of your mind!

Sassin' It Up Tip #4: Be Direct and Honest

Once we hit ten years old or so, we start unconsciously learning to not say what we have on our minds, girls especially. I don't think I've met a girl who wasn't lovely and polite (well, I could name a few people...). We learn to be courteous, polite, and we definitely learn to avoid embarrassing ourselves. In learning that, we lose our ability to be direct and honest. Well, to be sassy, you've got to get a little bit of that back!  

This is, however, not an excuse to be mean. Sassy is not mean. So when your friend isn't pulling their weight on that group project of yours, it's not your place to say, "Hey, bitch! Check yourself before you wreck our grade, you stupid slacker!" Instead, you're the one in the group with the moxie to say, "Hey. We're all working our butts off here. If you don't want to help, you're more than welcome to do a project alone, but we'd rather you chip in."  

With a sassy reply like that and confidence to round it off, you'll get that little freeloader working and contributing to the project in no time!

Sassin' It Up Tip #5: Make Your Body Language Sassy

Since you're confident, vivacious, and bold, your body language needs to match. Ask yourself this: What does a sassy girl seem like with her mouth shut? 

Walk with your head high! Shoulders back and not slouching. Too much confidence for that!Don't shy away from things. You've got things to say and other people do, too. Why not connect with them in the process? Smile, touch the person you're interested in, laugh -- you know how it goes.An eye roll or some other body equivalent (something like "talk to the hand," but less 1999) has its place in being sassy, too, but keep it to a minimum. That stuff gets negative pretty easily.

A favourite sassy pose of mine is straight back, legs crossed, and an "I couldn't care less" expression on my face. Don't forget to pout and make your feelings known!

Sassin' It Up Tip #6: Find a Sassy Role Model!

Everyone has a role model they look up to and try to be like. I'd suggest someone like Freddie Mercury or David Bowie. Both are talented and practically overflowing with sass. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they ate big bowls of sass for breakfast every morning! They may work for you, but as for myself, I'm my own role model. Nobody tells me how to live or act! I'm my own man!

So those are just a few tips on how to be as sassy as me! Follow them properly and who knows? Maybe you'll be a sass machine, ready to reload! (See? I know Queen references!)

I have several other tips on being sassy, but I have to -

Hey Paulie? Are you busy?

Macca! What the hell do you want? I'm in the middle of a thing, here!

Yes, I can see that, and I'm sorry. I just came to deliver a message.

Oh, all right. But be quick about it. I'm a very busy (and sassy) man!

Yes, well, remeber how you got invited to the Grammy awards tonight?

Yes...

Well, uh... someone screwed up and apparently you're not on the guest list for the after party. And they're going to -

NOT INVITED?! I'M NOT INVITED TO THE AFTER PARTY?!

I know, I'm just as shocked as you are. But... what can we do about it?

You can get me a white glove!

A... A white glove?

Yes! I have a feeling some bitch is going to get slapped!

(Thank you for reading! It was just a silly idea I had. It may continue and Paul may dish out some more tips on being sassy... if you want it to!)