99 Steps

Step 8: Hold Still

Jack was getting stressed over the amount of people that were surrounding the two boys.

Mark had brought them back to the carnival, one of the first places they went together, and it was packed. It took hours to get on a two minute ride, and as long as a half an hour to buy a bottle of water. Jack didn't say anything, because Mark liked it when ever he went outside the house. He really liked it when they went places together. 

Finally, Jack couldn't take it anymore. Everyone was rushing around, bumping into them. Kids were crying and teens were screaming, adults were laughing at their kids, not even trying to quiet them down. Vendors were yelling out the same two sentences over and over again, getting in Jack's face as he walked by.

"Mark, we need to leave, I can't. I'm sorry but I just can't handle this many people at once." Jack grabbed Mark's arm as it started to feel like it was harder to breathe. 'In, out. In, out.' Jack tried to keep himself calm, but it wasn't working.

"Sorry, what did you say?" Mark turned around, a smile on his face. He didn't have problems with being surrounded by too many people, in fact, the more people Mark was around at once the happier he seemed to be. 

"We have to leave, I can't. I need, let's go." Jack felt dizzy, everything was spinning. It was difficult to breathe and he felt like he was dying. The part that sucked about that was that he didn't want to die right now. Sometimes he thought about it, but right now he was happy. Or at least as happy as he could be. Right now, Jack wasn't loving the thrill of almost dying like he used to. Instead he was scared of it.

"Okay, just look at me, alright. Try and stay calm." Mark picked Jack up, bridal style, and kept rambling on to give him something to focus on instead of how it felt like he was being held underwater. 

"You okay now?" Mark asked after a couple minutes of sitting in the back seat with Jack.

"Yeah, yeah I think so." Jack nodded and leaned back, closing his eyes. He could feel Mark's gaze burning into the side of his face, but he tried to ignore that.

"You could have told me sooner." Mark said, trying not to make Jack feel bad about the whole thing.

Jack just shook his head, taking another deep breath in, and holding it for a few seconds before letting it out. "I'm supposed to be past this. I'm supposed to be stronger. For fucks sake I have a sleeve of tattoos. I'm not supposed to get scared by people."

"But you did. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And so what if you have a sleeve of tattoos, that doesn't mean you have to be a bad ass who can conquer the world." Mark leaned a little closer to Jack, putting a hand on his thigh. "Nobody is judging you, okay." 

Jack slowly opened his eyes, looking into Mark's brown irises. 

"Your eyes are the the ocean and sky. They're like a tsunami with tornadoes, tearing through fields of blue flowers." Mark leaned a little closer, looking into Jack's eyes like it was an intense story. Jack could feel his face turn red at the wave of complements he was suddenly getting, and at how quickly Mark was closing the space between them.

"Your eyes are every shade of blue all at the same time." Mark slowly let his eyes wander over Jack's whole face. He moved his whole body closer, practically crawling over Jack's body, who was leaning his back up against the door.

"Ma.. Mark?" Jack had a feeling he knew where this was going, and he didn't want to ruin it, but he also didn't know if it was what he wanted. He could feel his breathing hitch in his throat, but it wasn't like earlier.

"What, Baby Boy?" Mark bit his lip, looking back in Jack's eyes, waiting for a response.

"I, um. I don't know if I'm re- ready for this." Jack made a small gesture between the two boys' chests. Mark moved back a little. He nodded, looking out the windshield. "I'm sorry. We're teenagers. We're supposed to do stupid stuff. I just, I don't. I don't want you to get any closer to me. Because if I fuck up, then and if I fall, then. Then I feel like you're going to come falling after me, and I don't want that to happen. I care about you. I care about you a lot." Jack looked down. Mark should have a girlfriend. A normal, not-so-fucked-up-in-the-head, girlfriend. Someone who he could kiss and hug out in public. Someone who wouldn't ruin his day at the fair because he was afraid of people. Someone who wasn't Jack. And Jack knew that. 

"You're not going to fuck up, okay. Don't think like that. I just want you to be happy in this relationship. Okay?" Mark sat back, "It's okay to tell me stuff, no it's importation to tell me stuff. Especially if you're uncomfortable because of something that I'm doing. Alright?"

Jack nodded. Why did he have to be so damn understanding?

"And I don't want you to ever think that I want anyone other than you. Because I love you."

Jack felt his eyes widen. Mark loved him? Who would do that? Who would love Jack? Jack is stupid. Jack is fat. Jack is worthless. Jack should die, because nobody would miss him.

"I love you too." Jack nearly jumped at hearing his own voice. Was that what people meant when they said to 'speak from your heart'? That you don't realize what you're saying before you say it? Jack knew it wasn't a lie, because deep down, he knew that if he fell, Mark would fall with him. But Jack didn't want to believe it. He didn't deserve Mark.

Jack and Mark were birds, but Jack had broken wings. Although, now his wings were starting to heal. But Mark was growing used to having Jack with him, so if Jack fell, Mark would forget how to fly by himself.

That bird thing again. Yeah, I actually like that, so I think Ill keep going back to it. I would like to think that since in Step 4, Mark told Jack to imagine he was a bird, then that's how he keeps seeing each step of his healing process. You know? 

Anyways, I'm going to try and not put author's notes at the end of a lot of the chapters. I feel like I'm doing it a l o t . But thank you guys so much for reading so far, I write so I have something to do other than sit and feel bad about myself while drinking unhealthy amounts of coffee daily. So I guess thank you guys for giving this story a go, and sticking around. <3 ily guys