Aftershock (Sequel to Writing's on the Wall Destiel)

Chapter 12

By the time Dean returned, he was thoroughly anxious. Every one of his talks with Castiel had ended in an argument. Who was he to say that this time would be any different?

Sam opened the door and saw Dean waiting. "Hey, Dean." He held the door out wider for his brother, who stepped in. "Cas is....over there."

When Dean saw Castiel, he was shocked. In a span of a few hours, dark circles had formed under the angel's eyes. There were dried tear stains on his cheeks. His face definitely looked paler than before. But most of all, he was silent- too silent. He turned to Sam. "Sammy, what have I done?"

"You broke him, Dean. I mean, you've said mean things, but this has got to be the harshest I've ever seen you be with him."

"what do I do?"

"What you always do. What we always do. Find a way to fix it. And Dean, be gentle with him." Sam gave a reassuring pat on Dean's shoulder as he trudged upstairs.

Dean watched his brother leave and turned to Castiel, who still didn't acknowledge his presence. It was almost as if the angel had shut down completely. He took a cautious step forward. "Cas?"

When there was no response, Dean mustered up his courage and took more steps forward. "Hey, Cas? It's me. Dean."

There was still no reply. Dean knelt in front of Castiel and took one of his hands, covering it with both of his own. "Come on, Cas. Talk to me."

Castiel's eyes strayed from where they were fixed on the wall and looked at Dean sorrowfully. "Hello, Dean."

Dean inwardly frowned. That wasn't how he usually said it. This time was much quieter, much more....small. He didn't realize he hurt him this bad. Then again, he never did. A pang of guilt shot through his body as outwardly he smiled faintly. "Hey, Cas. How you doing?"

"I've been better. You? How have you been?"

"Peachy. But yeah, we've both been better."

"Why are you talking to me, Dean? Last time I checked you didn't want anything to do with me." The words were not accusatory, just quiet and confused. Dean knew for a fact that his heart would hurt less if it was accusatory. "Listen. I didn't mean what I said. That just.....sort of came out."

"Nothing you say ever just comes out." Castiel looked at Dean. "Tell me why you said those things. Please, for me."

Dean sighed. "Cas....I don't know how to break it to you that I am still very much in love with you. And every time we're together, it feels....right. But man, I don't know what I did to deserve all the crap you've been giving me the past few weeks." Dean's tone was gentle and disappointed. "Cas, that was some serious crap."

"I know.....I'm sorry."

"And, if you're scared of what I might think or say, you know you can always come to me."

"Thank you, but....that still doesn't answer my question."

Dean drew circles on the back on Castiel's thumb and thought over his words carefully. "I was just....tired of the way you've been acting towards me. The small moments we had? I thought we were healing and I think you did, too. But you broke it all down the next minute, or the next day, and I don't blame you. Not anymore. You did it because you were scared. Hell, that's why I said what I did the first time we talked. But you can't just give me hope and crush it the second I think I found something worth living or worth dying for."

"You have Sam. He's worth saving."

"I know. And I'd give anything for Sammy, I would. Anything at all, no second thought. But I know I can't move on without you."

"Yes, you can. You've done it before, you can do it again."

"Yeah, but....I don't want to."

"Dean," Castiel said tiredly. "You don't need me to move forward in life. I'm just in your way. You're better off without me."

"Cas, whoever or whatever is telling you that, it's a lie. I don't want you gone from my life, I can't have you gone. I need you, remember?"

"I just.... I don't want us to be like this. The constant fighting...the stares......I wish circumstances were different." Castiel looked down at their entwined hands. "I wish this could be different."

Dean also looked down at their hands. "I do, too. Believe me, I do. But we've got bigger fish to fry. Lucifer's still on the loose and there's no telling what he'll do to you if he finds you again. After we gank that son of a bitch, we'll figure us out. We'll figure it out just like we always have. I promise."

The only sign that Castiel had been listening was the now subtly desperate and lost expression he had on his face. He began to fall forward and Dean caught him in time, wrapping his arms around him and easing him to the floor. "Cas. Hey, hey, take it easy. It'll be okay. It's gonna be okay."

"I'm so sorry," Castiel said, voice muffled in Dean's shirt.

"It's gonna be okay, angel. It's gonna be okay."