Finding Her Way | Sirius Black

11. Cheating and Hugs

February had come quickly. It had been almost three weeks, and Lily was still giving Ellie the cold shoulder. While Ellie knew that she had violated Lily's trust, it still hurt knowing that she had done something to lose her spitfire. Lily had been one of the main reasons why Ellie's transition to Hogwarts had been manageable. Happy, even. This all changed February first, when Ellie was taking a shortcut from double Charms with the Slytherins, and she was trying to catch up with Sirius, who had disappeared without comment. As she flitted between the students, eagerly talking in anticipation of getting to the Great Hall for lunch, she briefly wondered where Sirius had gone. It wasn't like him to leave, she mused, without at least saying goodbye or giving her a quick kiss on the forehead before sprinting to quidditch practice or class.

As she tapped Gregory the Smarmy's head to avoid everyone and get to the common room, Ellie stepped into the secret passage. She gasped as she was met head on with two people in the corridor, and was about to shield her eyes, afraid she had walked in on something she shouldn't have walked in on. And she was right, but it wasn't those two Ravenclaws, like she'd expected. It was Sirius. Sirius, and the stupid girl on the train whose name Ellie had forgotten in a stream of other seemingly irrelevant information. Tears stung her eyes. Lily was right. Her gut was right. Sirius didn't rate her as anyone but another girl to use for leverage, or whatever he got by dating her. Regardless, she felt her breath hitch in her throat and her heart stop beating as her internal circuit board overloaded. Sirius looked at her in shock, his eyes wide. He tried to push the girl away and move towards her, but the girl had both of his hands in her own and she was pinning them against the wall.

"El..." He started, still struggling to get to her, eyes brimming with tears, but she cut him off.

"I thought... thought I could trust you." She was fighting against herself to force her voice from quavering. Those six words seemed to break him. Ellie's mind reeled with hurt, but she could see him still fighting towards her, trying to talk to her, but it just sounded like fuzz in her fried brain. "It's okay." Ellie found herself saying, and even attempted a sad sort of smile, "I'm just glad I found out now. I'm sorry that you felt the need to do this, Sirius Black."

Sirius was really crying now, but his words were still inaudible in Ellie's mind. Train girl was pushed Sirius up against the wall and further down into the tunnel, wrenching his hands from the wall to around her waist and shoving her bony fingers into his tousled hair. Ellie walked quickly out of the passage, not trusting herself to speak again lest she let her emotions best her ability to speak. She felt, as she walked back to the common room, a dulling numbness take over her body. The two people who she had so heavily relied on to navigate her through this massive and terrifying school, were gone.

She ran up to the common room, which was almost empty. Everyone must be at the feast. She thought, tugging the rubber band hopelessly from her hair. He didn't like her, didn't care enough about her. Well, I hope he's happy, she thought, and truly meant it. Ellie was a lot of things, but she was also the type of person that genuinely wanted the best for others. She hoped that Sirius would be happy with Sasha. That, as much as she hated to admit it, was all she wanted for him. Happiness. She tried to tell herself she didn't care, but she did. Lily came up a short while later, completely ignored Ellie, and sat on her four-poster, drawing the drapes around her as she did so. Silent tears escaped Ellie's brown eyes and she looked longingly at Lily's drawn curtains. When Lily finally got up to go to the bathroom, she noticed Ellie, sitting stock still, and a wave of sympathy rushed over her as the secret and fight seemed to have been forgotten.

Lily ran over to Ellie and wrapped her into a hug. That seemed to have broken in Ellie. The tears streaming down her face started leaving tracks as she stopped breathing. Lily rubbed her back in circles, whispering soothing nothings that Ellie could hardly hear.

"I'm so sorry." Ellie repeated the phrase over and over, collapsing in Lily's embrace.

Lily nodded. "I know."

The girls say there for a full minute before either one spoke again.

"I love you." Lily said, "I've missed you like hell." Despite everything, Ellie's crying turned in to desperate laughter as she pulled Lily in even tighter.

"I missed you too." She said, now sitting up and wiping her streaming eyes. "God, I need to pull myself together." She sniffed deeply and glanced quickly at the mirror across from her bed. Big mistake. "I look terrible!" She said, and it was true. Her eyes were red and puffy, still shining, her nose was ruddy, and her hair sat on her head in a big blonde knot. Lily surveyed her in the mirror, then smiled.

"I can help with it, if you'd like." Lily said, "Sirius will learn just what he lost in you." She wiped another tear from Ellie's face, much as a mother would a young girl.

"A big mess?" Ellie said, looking at herself sadly.

"The most internally and externally beautiful girl at this school." Lily said firmly. Ellie smiled, and nodded in acquiescence.

Twenty minutes later, mood considerably improved, Ellie was wearing a black skirt and white sweater with her Hogwarts robes and tie. Her hair was pulled back into a loose French braid that tickled her lower back, and she had essentially allowed Lily to use her face as a palate for a multitude of new muggle makeup products that Lily had bought when she was home. She and Ellie went down to the Great Hall for pudding, arm in arm, laughing and picking up right where they left off.

"Whoa-" Remus said, looking Ellie up and down. "Who put the imperious curse on you?"
Ellie slapped him playfully. She was relieved that he was still talking to her, that the news of her and Sirius had not affected their friendship in any way.

Ellie had just finished lunch when Sirius entered the Great Hall and spotted her. Later Lily said that she swore she heard his jaw hit the ground, but Ellie merely smiled as he stood still, staring at her. He started over just as Ellie and Lily got up to leave, chocolate gateau in hand. Ellie gave him another sad smile but left without making a scene. As she exited, she heard the slight sliver of Remus' and Sirius' voices.

"What the bloody hell mate! I thought you said she was the one." Ellie nearly tripped over her own feet. The one? She thought. Lily pulled her away, saying,

"Ignore it. Ignore it. It's going to be okay soon, I promise."

And yet, as hard as she tried to tune it out, she heard Sirius' reply as she was on the first step of the marble staircase. His voice was cracked, dry, and raspy, and Ellie wanted nothing more than the go hug him and tell him that it would be ok. But all he said was:

"I don't want to talk about it."

Ellie was filled with such anger, the way he said the phrase meant nothing if what he said was as nonchalant as it ended up being. She wanted revenge, screw her own principles. She wanted to hurt him as he had hurt her. She began to talk to Lily.