Incongruence (On hold)

Chapter 10

AMBREE'S P.O.V.

I bite into a slice of pizza. It's exactly how I like it. A ton of cheese, a crisp thin crust and all my favorite toppings. I only finish half of it before I'm full, so I offer it to the rest of the group. I don't understand Keegan. I constantly look over and catch him watching me, but its not in a creepy way. It's more of a protective way; similar to how Alex watches me. I'm not sure if its comforting to know that he's around or uncomfortable to have him watching everything I do. It's like he knows what to expect with me. Like earlier when I freaked out he knew exactly when to pull me away. He saw me tipping on the edge and he caught me before I hit the ground. Nobody except for Alex has ever saved me like that. I know I freak out over the stupidest thing but I can't always help it. It was difficult having all of them disagreeing with me on a subject I'm quite an expert on. I'm the one who has to face myself everyday in the mirror, I'm the one who's picked myself up off the floor of the school bathroom, I’m the one who tried to drowned myself because I can't hide from myself. I'm the only person who knows all the horrible things that go through my mind, I'm the only person who see's the world like I do. I'm all alone in this life and there's no way I’m going to let anyone tell me what I’m doing wrong or how I need to fix my life. We've tried everything before. Therapists, doctors, and medications. None of it worked, nobody understands and nobody can help me. Like I said: I'm unfixable.

After we finish our pizza we go back to the couch for a movie. I've never really been big on movie, personally I'd rather read. After much discussion of what type of movie and me begging for anything but horror we finally pick a comedy with Adam Sandler. It's one I’ve never seen but its cute. I sit in the corner of the couch again, this time making sure to keep my sweater covering my hips. He saw them, my scars. I just hope he doesn't ask about them. I hate it when people ask about them, that's why I chose my hip instead of the obvious wrists or forearms. It's less obvious and easier to hide. I don't do it often either. It's just on those really dark and cloudy days when I need to feel like I'm still connected to the world. I'm still not sure what he meant earlier when he said he wants to get to know me. Is that his way of saying he wants me to tell him all my secrets so he can expose them to the world? What exactly does he think he's going to help me with? He's so easy to talk to though. He didn't even ask why I broke down in the garage, he just held me while I cried. He listened to me as I tried to explain what happened yet he didn't ask any questions, he just listened. It's hard to explain why you would be upset because people told you you were beautiful and I know I'm pathetic but I have a hard time believing them when they said it. Even though they were just trying to be nice it was only hurting me more. That's all I’ve ever wanted was for someone to tell me I was beautiful but actually see all my flaws, truly know me and still believe I’m worth the effort. I'm not pretty, I'm not fun, and I'm not happy. That's what hurts. Is that on the outside I may look happy, but on the inside I'm screaming for someone to just see through the layers and see how hurt and broken I truly am. I don't have anyone to talk to about these things and I'm not sure if I'm ready to share my perspective of the world with anyone again. I tried to explain things to my parents and they freaked out. They took me do a doctor, who took tests and kept me at the hospital for a few days. Then sent me home with weekly appointments and a few bottles of pills. My parent's were embarrassed, they hate that I’m sick. It just adds to the list of things that differentiate Alex and I. It's one thing to know you're not perfect and it's another to be reminded of it everyday. Every single day I get to wake up and look at the perfection that I get to live with. Then I have to look back into the mirror and see all my imperfection. I hate it. Life would be easier for them if I was out of the picture, but I try and relive them of the burden and the glorious god of perfection has to swoop in and save his poor, sick sister. Again.

After the movie finishes the boys pick a video game, something with killing zombies in it. I decide to sit this one out since I'm about as good at video games as a fish is at climbing a tree. I sit and watch for a while before I start getting tired, so I grab one of the big pillows and hold it close to my chest, covering most of my body. I close my eyes and drift off.