Beacon in the Darkness

8. Waves

Camila stood in front of the full-length mirror that hung on the inside of her closet door, turning from side to side and taking in her appearance. She pursed her lips as her eyes ran over the dark, tight fitting jeans, t-shirt, and chucks. With a sigh, she pulled her black hoodie off a hanger and slipped her arms through the sleeves. Her hands shook slightly as she tried to close the zipper.

The sun shone dully through the sheer curtains, bathing the room in a soft purple glow. Her clock read seven-thirty in the morning and she knew it was almost time to go. Closing her eyes, Camila took in a few deep breaths, reminding herself that it was just school. She'd been going all her life. She could handle this. But the truth was, she didn't know if she could.

After the accident, she hadn't returned to school. It had been through sheer desperation that she'd convinced Sinu to let her home-school for the remainder of the year. She just couldn't force herself to walk those halls, to endure the pitying looks and questions her classmates were bound to give her. She didn't want to be "the girl whose brother died." Or, "the girl who barely survived that awful crash." She just wanted to be Karla Camila Cabello again. Just Camila. No more stares. No more whispers. No more wordless sympathy. Just Camila. Resident geek and art freak.

How she wished she could return to those days of endless teasing over her nerd status. Even that was better than this. And she'd hated every moment of it at the time.

A soft knock sounded at her door before it opened slowly. Camila turned and caught sight of her mother standing in the doorway, twisting her hands together nervously.

Camila frowned. "Mama, what's wrong?"

"I just got a call from the school." Sinu kept her eyes on the floor. "They're having an assembly today to welcome everyone back to school."

"Okay," Camila said, not understanding the significance behind her mother's reaction to this news. "I realize assemblies incite utter boredom, but you don't have to be there so ..."

Sinu finally met Camila's eyes. "They wanted to let me know that they'd be honoring Carlos today."

Camila swallowed. Hard.

"They asked if I'd like to come because they'll be retiring his number and hanging his jersey as a memorial."

Camila stumbled toward the bed and sat, her breathing coming more shallow than normal. Sinu made her way over and placed her hand on Camila's back.

"Are you okay?"

Camila nodded, trying to regulate her breathing. She knew sooner or later the school would do something like this. When the accident happened, the whole community had been in such shock, and had tried so hard to be sensitive to Camila and her mother, that they hadn't really done much by way of memorializing Carlos. She knew that this was an honor, that it was their way of expressing how much he'd meant to them and that they missed him too. But it didn't help Camila in any way to get past what happened. To see his jersey hanging there day after day during gym class would probably be more than she could bear.