All Just Words

OLD FRIEND

*edited*

I can't. I try so hard to keep things together. I'm just tired of hiding things from her. There's only so much you can keep to yourself, before the worst happens.

We've never fought this bad before. The majority of the times it's harmless bickering. "Normal" couple arguments. But this... this was a whole new level. I've never once, in my whole time of knowing Charlie, ever seen her this upset, so full of hate, unleashing this tidal wave of emotions upon me. Engulfing me, suffocating me so much that I had no way of escaping her.  Not like it was her fault in the first place.
She spoke the truth and it was something that I needed to hear. To put in to perspective of what I had done.

I just had to leave. Get out of there. Give us both time to breathe and reflect, and possibly, hopefully find a slight chance of coming to a resolution for this mess.

So this is where I've found myself walking aimlessly around the crowded streets of London, my mind filled with questions that I cannot answer.

What if?

A two words question, with a million word answer. Simple as the question sounds, it can have so many ways of answering it and so many other questions attaching themselves to it.

What if I wasn't here in this position?

What if I didn't meet them?

What if I kept my family and friends closer instead of pushing them away at any chance I got?

What if I just stayed away?

What if? Just what if?

I don't know what to do anymore, everything I love I either destroy or push away from me. The lump in my throat as before returns and the familiar prickle in the corners of my eyes has also made its infamous appearance. But I cannot show it, not now in the middle of central London.

However my emotions take no notice of where I am and they start to pour out of me, I can't control them. My vision is becoming blurry, but I still manage to check my phone, a small ounce of hope fills me as I see one notification highlighted on my home screen. Without a thought I open it, praying it to be the one.

Nothing. Just my phone provider.

At this point London's skyline is beginning to fade into darkness and I will be left alone to fend for myself as the darkness draws me in, sometimes the darkness can be my solace from everything, a place that is so simple, a place where I feel alone, a place where I can forget everything that is going on in the never ending crazy cycle in which I have the misfortune of living in.
The dark is a place which is so simple, everything is one colour, one shape, one size and nothing matters anymore, it disables all your senses until you feel nothing.

But most of the time it is my worst enemy and one where I'm most vulnerable. 

9:36PM.

It's dark now and I'm lost. My phones dead and I have little to no change on me.
Well done idiot.
Now not only are you stuck in the middle of who knows where, but your alone to, who's going to be walking around this place at this time of night?

As per usual my paranoia is slowly getting the better of me. I hear noises with no rational explanation of their origin, I see things that aren't there. I'm completely on edge just waiting for unexpected strike.

My brain and my senses thick as thieves, working together in unison to create a wreckage inside my head.

I absorb the silence filling the area. It was that eerie sort of quiet enough to make a mans blood run cold. Almost like a poison, seeping into me, paralysing my brain, yet causing a slight tremor in my hands.

Trying my best to steady myself, the faint tap of footsteps which seem to only be a few feet behind me.
My response...
I just keep my head down and increase my pace slightly.

"Don't look up, don't look behind, it's nothing, it's nothing your fine" This thought is on repeat in my mind, dismissing any other thought that are still lurking, even those in the depths of my subconscious.

Faster.

Faster.

And still they follow.

I'm almost sprinting at this point, running in a direction that's leading to an unfortold experience waiting just around the corner. That faster I being to run the further away these unmistakable footsteps sound. I stop bending over placing my hands on my legs gasping for breath, the stale taste of metal lingers in my mouth.

I lean against a decaying brick wall etched with urban artwork, barely recognisable under the nights glow, trying to come up with a solution about how I am going to find my way home from here.

All I can do is think about how much I miss seeing a friendly face and the warmth that radiates from one and how they can change the whole atmosphere around them with just one look. Just like Charlie. Just like Charlie used to.

Just like that, I feel a stone cold hang being placed on my shoulder. Every nerve in my body freezes, every muscle tenses, every bit of me feels with fear.

"Please don't hurt me" I uttered, dreading for a response clenching my fists in pure fear and scrunching my face up just waiting for a fierce hit. Nothing. Nothing happened.

"I won't, trust me I'm not that kind of person. Anyway you looked kind of lost and plus you dropped your wallet a while ago I was just trying to give it back to you but you started running away" The stranger smiled at me, handing over the black leather wallet. I smiled back in return and we looked directly at each other for the first time. This person's expression changed almost straight away when it saw my face.

"Jesus Christ it's, Nathan! Nathan Evans is that you? I haven't seen you in years" The figure said embracing me in a friendly man hug. It was then who I knew who it was. Alex. Alex Walker.

I hugged him back and all the memories came rushing back, I began to remember everything that had happened before.

It might be easier to say that we have a whole lot of history.