Nah Mate, I'm Gay

Chapter 4: Ass Dumpsters and Drag Queens

Ray Toro forced his eyes away from his best friend and to his best friend's brother, who was equally as frozen, shocked, and disgusted as he was.

"What the fuck is your brother doing?"

"I just...I don't even know anymore." Mikey shook his head. You would think that after thirteen years of dealing with his brother's bullshit he would be immune to anything that could've happened, but no, Gerard just had to prove us all wrong, now didn't he?

"Excuse me, ass dumpsters, but I don't think I look half bad in this." Gerard turned in the mirror, trying to look at how good his butt actually looked in the skirt he was wearing.

"But that's not the problem, now is it? The problem here is that it's four in the fucking morning and you are dressed completely in drag. I'm not even awake enough to completely understand why the fuck my brother is wearing a skirt and blouse!" Mikey had started pacing, by this point, and both Gerard and Ray knew that that wasn't a good sign.

"Actually, I don't think that that's even the problem here, the problem here is that you can somehow do perfect fucking eyeliner. Like, my cousin is always complaining about how hard makeup is, yet you did the entire thing perfectly on your first try." Ray grabbed Mikey by the back of his shirt when he paced in front of him, because he was starting to freak Ray out a little bit, if he were to be completely honest.

"I guess I just have a natural talent for putting on makeup." Gerard sounded way too nonchalant for what he had just said.

"My brother is a fucking drag queen..." Mikey had started pacing again, muttering that phrase over and over and over.

"What? So I don't look absolutely hot?" Gerard asked, sticking out his butt and puffing out the fake boobs that he had bought from some weirdo on Ebay.

"Well, as much as I absolutely don't want to say or admit it," Ray took a deep breath, "you look fucking hot."

"Really?! Thank you so much, Ray! I knew you were my best friend for a reason!" Gerard attacked Ray, engulfing him in fake tits and floral perfume.

"Alright alright, that's enough." Ray successfully pushed Gerard a safe distance away from him.

"What the hell is this for anyway? I mean, I wouldn't put it past you to dress up in girl clothes just for the hell of it, but there's got to be some sort of underlying cause of this!" Mikey was going absolutely crazy at this point, but you would be too if your fuckboy of a brother woke you up at four in the morning just to tell him how hot of a drag queen he was.

"Oh yes of course, that was my other reason for summoning you both here at this hour of the morning. I have created an ingenious, fool-proof plan on how to get Frank Iero in my bed and out of his amazingly tight skinny jeans that practically leaves nothing to the imagination." He paused, smirking at the two boys in the room. Eventually, the silence was becoming very uncomfortable and Ray was going to go mad if he didn't break it.

"And that plan is?"

"I am going to ambush him at the music store, gain his trust as my female counterpart Evangeline, and act as my own wing woman without his knowledge of my true intentions!" Gerard's words got quicker and quicker as he unveiled his master plan of getting Frank in his bed and out of his amazingly tight skinny jeans that practically leaves nothing to the imagination.

Mikey and Ray stood there in stunned silence, trying to wrap Gerard's plan around their heads. Mikey was even brought to the point of having to sit down and place his head in his hands.

Gerard had no idea what the silence meant, and was starting to get impatient.

"So, what do you think? Isn't it perfect!" Gerard's eyes moved between the two boys in his room, disappointed because, not only were neither of them here to fuck, but neither of them were exclaiming how genius his plan was.

The silence continued for a few seconds, before Ray decided to answer his best friend, "That is literally the stupidest idea I have ever heard."

"What do you mean it's the stupidest idea you have ever heard! It's perfect! He would never know that it's me, I would be able to make myself sound really great and amazing without him knowing that it's actually me making myself sound great and amazing, and then he would want to fuck my brains out! It's a win-win scenario!"

"You think that it would actually work?" Mikey had recovered enough to take part of the invigorating conversation going on in front of him.

"Of course! It's worked in all of the fanfics I've read." Gerard said as if that fact would've completely convinced them of how perfect his plan actually was.

"You're basing all of your knowledge on fanfiction written by twelve year old girls!" Mikey yelled way too loud for it now being five in the fucking morning.

"Well yeah! What else am I supposed to base it off of?"

"Oh my fucking lucifer..." Mikey had started pacing again, and Ray was seriously getting freaked out by it.

"Okay, but actually, I don't see why this plan wouldn't work." Ray said hesitantly.

Mikey said, "What!" at the same time that Gerard said, "Thank you!"

"No, but hear me out. If Frank doesn't recognize Gerard, and Gerard doesn't fuck it up by saying something very Gerard-like, then I don't see how or why this plan wouldn't work. Especially since his drag name has nothing in common with his real name." Ray was actually rationalizing out Gerard's plan, and he was doing a pretty damn good job of it, too.

"Exactly! Except, EvanGEEline. Like my nickname Gee. Evangeline. It does correlate with my name quite a lot." Gerard sounded slightly offended by the fact that Ray didn't get the extremely clever way that he had transformed his name into a woman's name.

"You know you could've gone with Gabriela, or even more simply Gee? Evangeline is the most complicated name you could've chosen." Mikey was rubbing his temples, trying to stop the oncoming headache that he could slowly feel creeping up on him.

"Dammit!" Gerard exclaimed, face palming himself so hard.

"Actually, the less like his real name the better, because then Frank will have a harder time connecting it to him." Ray, once again, was rationalizing everything about Gerard's plan pretty damn well.

"You know what, whatever, I'm going back to my room and back to sleep." Mikey sighed, then got up and slammed the door behind him.

"I better get home too, but good luck on the whole tricking Frank in order to get in his pants thing." Ray gave a slight smile, before quietly closing Gerard's room door, as well as the front door of the entire house behind him. He thought about how insane and just absolutely ridiculous Gerard's plan was, but also how amazingly thought out it was, all the way to his house.

That just left Gerard in his room, disappointed that both of the boys that had previously occupied his room with him had left without him even orgasming once.

*A/N: Hello my lovelies! Hahahahahahahaha I haven't updated in forever and this is kinda crappy and kinda short but whatever here ya go.

Till next time,

Zowie