Secrets and School

Chapter 14

TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm, in depth discussion about self harm and negative thoughts.

I felt my phone vibrate again and again, so I switched it off. I looked down at my wrists, they were covered in blood. I must have unconsciously gotten up and retrieved my blade. I needed to clean up fast.

I ran to the bathroom and cleaned up my arms as best as I could, before running back to my room to slip on my bandages. I hid the blade in its place at the back of my drawer, before sitting in front of my mirror again.

I heard someone at the front door, knocking. I could faintly hear my mum say, "Come in, he is upstairs in his room." It wasn't long until I heard the footsteps coming upstairs and a knock at my door.

"Come in." I said barely above a whisper. I looked up to see Zoe opening my bedroom door.

"I got worried when you didn't answer my messages, so I thought I would come and pay a visit. I need some company anyway." She said sitting in front of me, blocking my view of my reflection in the mirror. "Why are you sat here?" Zoe said eyeing me suspiciously.

I didn't say anything, I looked down at my hands in my lap instead. I felt her grab my hands and hold them. Suddenly, she rolled my jumper sleeves up and pulled off the bandages. The cuts clearly visible. I tried to hide them by pulling my sleeves down but her hands stopped me from doing so. "Jake, look at me." She said, quietly. I slowly looked up, tears threatening to flow. She let go of my wrists and removed all her bracelets. Faded scars and somewhat fresh cuts were visible. "I am in the same boat Jake. I am not going to judge. We will get through this." She placed a gentle kiss to my forehead.

I cried. She cared. She didn't freak out. The tears were flowing strongly now. She held my hand a made me stand up and walked me to my bed where we both sat down. Slowly, I began to calm down. She got up to fetch my bandages and her bracelets where we had left them on the floor. She came back and slipped my bandages on and slipped her bracelets back on.

"Why do you do it?" I asked, not sure if I was allowed to.

"I struggle with friends, as I am sure you have realized, and obviously get bullied a lot. Something inside me builds up, I am not sure exactly what it is...sadness...anger...it's negative for sure. When I cut it releases those feelings...emotions. It makes me feel lighter...not weighted down. It relieves me I guess. I know it's not the best approach to releasing those feelings...but it works...that's why I do it...that's why I haven't stopped. I cut my legs too...but my wrists work better...to release the emotions that is. I don't do it so much now you're here...now I have a friend...in a way you help release the feelings but...not completely...so I cut a little to get rid of it all...but I definitely cut less. Can I ask why you cut?" She asks.

"I am scared. I don't know how to tell you." I admitted, I would end up telling her that I transgender.

"How about I ask yes or no questions, then all you have to is shake your head to answer 'yes' or 'no'?" She suggested.

"Okay"

"Is it related to you leaving your old place?" She said quietly.

I nodded.

She didn't know what to say next, by the look on her face. "Jake..."

I looked up. She leapt forward and held me in her arms. Slowly she pulled away and continued.

"Is it you hating something...someone?"

I nodded.

"Is it a person?"

I nod again.

"Is it the bullies?"

I shake my head, no.

"Is it you?"

I nod.

"What is it you hate about yourself? Your sexuality?"

I shake my head.

"Your body?"

I nod.

"Okay this isn't a yes or no question...why do you hate your body?"

I whispered, "It's wrong...it's not correct...not how it should be."

She looked a little confused, "How is your body incorrect Jake?"

I felt the tears coming back. "Its not the right one. It's female...it should be male."

The tears poured. Zoe looked at me, slight confusion on her face.

"I am transgender." I say so quietly, that I know she only just heard me.

I look up to see her face...her reaction.