why we fall apart

first ; why we fall apart

I don't know why I feel so low. It's like I'm crashing off a sugar high. The higher you go, the farther you have to fall. And I guess I shouldn't have expected the partly stable, partly unstable happy state I'd entered once again to last long. 

Nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same. I don't remember what song that's from, but it resonates in my mind today. 

I'm both halves of a coin that the universe likes to flip again and again. 

Snap.

Snap.

Snap.

The sound of the rubber band flicking my wrist is comforting.

Snap.

Snap.

Snap.

It hurts but I don't flinch. It's better than the alternative anyways.

"Gracie."

"Mhm."

"I have something important to tell you."

"Okay."

"So I've made up my mind," she began.

And I don't hear her finish. I just don't care. I can't care. I feel too lost to focus. I can't regroup. I need to sort things out and my anxiety fills my body with a static buzzing. My mind is floating out of my body and running faster than I can take in breaths to keep up.

"Gracie! Are you even listening?" The girl snapped.

"What?" I could hear the exasperation in her voice but even then it didn't register.

"Look at me!"

I look at her. It's Lara, I realize for the first time during the whole exchange. And she is pissed.

"I'm fed up with your behavior. You're a terrible roomie. You won't keep up your half of the dorm and when you do, you go freaking insane, I swear! And tattling on me for sneaking in-" Her face flushed. "I filed a request form and I'm getting a new roommate. You're moving out to get a new one too."

I just look at her blankly. I'm getting lost in my mind again. Too busy to bother with her trivial issues with me. Not that it matters. She's the third roommate I've been kicked out by this semester alone.

"Do you have anything to say?"

"Alright."

I swivel around to face my desk and the window outside again, hearing her storm off in frustration.

Fine by me. I don't know if I can find anything inside me enough to care. It's like clawing at the air and reveling in the harsh emptiness there. 

I feel stupid for ever thinking I could like someone like Brandon. Or that I even had a chance. And I hate that I thought those people were my friends. They weren't my crowd. They weren't good to me. They didn't even like me.

I've fallen. And now I'm sinking. I'm being swallowed up by the emptiness and it makes me feel numb. It's like I've been cut off from my air. But that's what happens when you make somebody your oxygen. When they're taken away, you can't breathe.