why we fall apart

twenty second ; why we fall apart

I started to feel again. It was weird and threw me off. The entire day I stumbled around in a haze of emotions. Everything made me want to cry. I didn't even know why.

It wasn't until late at night that I realized I'd forgotten my medication. No wonder the shadows and faces looked gaunter than ever.

No wonder I kept thinking about Alex, and feeling guilty for hurting him.

No wonder I couldn't keep the pangs out of my heart, because Brandon wouldn't leave my head.

I didn't have a distraction from reality. There was nothing blocking me off from what it was like to be human.

It hurt like a steel tipped stake to the heart.

I kept rearranging myself under the covers but couldn't find a position that was comfortable. Each time I dozed off, I only woke again, awake as ever.

It was around three in the morning when I felt too restless to try and stay asleep. Despite the early hour, my groggy mind made the decision to climb the roof and sit there.

It was like the lack of medication had broken an emotional dam, and now every emotion was rushing out to flood my senses, bringing out the absolute worst of me.

So it was just my luck that I'd bump into Alex.

Disgusting cigarette smoke encircled his familiar face, the stench calling forward snippets of late night conversations.

"You ever planning on kicking the habit?" I creased a page in my notebook back and forth until it looked like an accordion.

"Does it matter? I'll die either way." He blew smoke up to the ceiling. I yelled at him to get out. It stunk.

"Gracie." His gritty, smoke stained voice said my name before I could rush away.

"You ever gonna kick that habit?" He said it to me this time.

"I don't smoke."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"Does it matter? I'll die either way." I shot back with the same retort he used on me.

"Don't go."

I went. I couldn't help but feel guilty at the forlorn look on his face. I even felt a flash of sympathy. The remorse was heavy and wouldn't leave easily.

The rungs leading up to the roof were nice and cool against my skin. I settled my back against the railing and shut my eyes.

My rubber band snapped into skin until red welts covered the surface. And then it split. I tossed the pieces off the roof.

Physically, I was frozen. But my mental state raced. Processing and over processing old memories and bringing back pieces of pasts I wanted to leave behind.

Then, in the middle of the chaos, a moment of startling clarity.

"What is the meaning of this?" Mrs. Russett blinked several times. "Miss Taylor?"

To call the look on my resident shrink's face as I stood outside her door with tears streaming down my face and blood caked under my fingernails 'shocked' would be an understatement.

"I need help."