Nyte's Rant Book~!!!

My Emotional Breakdowns and Shattered Heart...

*Sighs loudly in a corner alone*

I-I can't believe that tomorrow is my last day of school before heading into Summer Break...
The feelz are going to impact me so hard tomorrow...(>﹏<)
This unexpected school year wasn't what I had in mind...it honestly felt that this year was my worst and miserable one yet. Sooo much tragic and sorrowful events have transpire ever since the beginning of the year, that just keeps on being added on top of me that I literally can't comprehend all of it anymore....

From this point on I'm going to express about my personal struggles that I been facing recently detailed, and how I deeply feel about it and how it affects me every single day of my life.
This is specifically for those who really need to know about it but I can never tell you personally since there's never the time to tell you or that I can't express myself to you around others. Also to many of my friends on Wattpad who have been helping me though my time of need but I haven't told all of you how I honestly feel about it.

I absolutely have no idea where to start and if I get a little side-tracked, please forgive me for it. I'll probably said the important stuff first. Here goes nothing...

I always think of myself as black sheep or some horrible disgrace to those around me including a few of my friends... Why? I can't really can't explain it over text but I'll try my best.
I always notice how all my friends have their own little "squads" (X3) and I notice how in all of them, I never fit in well or have no purpose. Sometimes they don't even acknowledge me in their conversations and act as if I'm not with them. And when they do notice or if I say something to them, they look at me with such a serious look and they talk to me in a unhappy tone compared when they talk to the rest of each other. I'm not stupid, I can literally see the difference all the time. That's not all. What really hurts me more is when a group of my closest friends plan to stay after-school to hang out with each other and fun but never invite to tag along. Sometimes before I leave school by myself, I usually see them laughing and playing with each other and I think to myself...

Why didn't ask me if I could stay after-school with them and hang out?
Why is when I asked my friends and twin that if they could stay after-school so we can have fun and do activities, they always say or put excuses (Understand most of the time but seriously it always when I asked that they never could. And it's a pretty awful feeling to have all your ideas plans for the day just to be ruined or delayed for some so called other time) or think as if I'm forcing them to stay with me and then act all awkward and silent...?
Do you they really hate that much?

It really hurts my heart when I see my friends and twin hug each other and comfort each other and yet they don't treat the same as the rest. I rarely get hugged anymore especially when I really need it to cheer up my day. Always filled with joy and laughter with each other as I'm in the corner...abandoned and alone. Filled with tears and depression...yet they look and simply ignore me or whisper to each other about me. "Is he crying?"
"Yeah, he's been crying for two days"
That's something that I heard today when I couldn't handled my emotions anymore and began to cry with my arms covering my face. No hugs, no trying to cheer me up, or even asking for help. Most of all I was left by myself at table crying all alone. When I left a few moments, as I headed down to the front entrance of my school I saw someone. A middle school friend of mine who was part of Leadership, saw me crying with tons tears running down my face and I could tell she saw me and was shocked and headed her my afar to another Leadership that if I was crying and she felt bad about it. This is when it happened. Today. When I finally snapped and finally did what I had to keep me from crying anymore. For those who might know what it is: Take your best shot and think what I did. Hopefully for those who dislike me, I hope you're happy that I'm broken and dishearten. I literally feels like a disheartened Magneto. *Reference~!*

Do you guys know I always dreamed and begged to have a twin sister sibling or older sibling? Yup, ever since I was younger because I always hated the feeling of having no one to have fun with me, or to keep me company or give me advice when I truly needed it.
I've always wanted a twin sister who would understand me of the pain and snuggles I go though, do twin activities, give tips on relationships and girlfriend advice (^ω^) and hug me whenever I'm feeling depressed or not my usual self and whisper to me "I'll always be there you and I'll never abandoned you ever". To have shoulder to cry on. I wanted a twin sister so much that I create my twin siblings OCs: Nyte and Valentine, which were inspired by twins duos like Len and Rin, Dipper and Mabel, and even based on my RL "twin". I always just wanted a companion or best friend like other but I don't....

A few months ago, in March my Leadership class and I went to the Ropes Course event which was one of the happiest days of my life, something terrible happen....For those who don't remember, I had received a text that...my grandmother had passed on that same exact day while the whole class was heading back home in the late night...her death had not only affect me but my whole family. I was terribly guilty that I had taken her for granted as she might not have been my blood relative but it made me realize about my own grandparents...
I-I keeping thinking of how when and if my family members passed away, how I couldn't bring myself to be normal...
That's a huge reason why I changed after the following months and I became more moody and mindful around others. But what didn't help was I never closure which was a problem...I didn't have anyone who helped me through my grief...not even a hug or I'm sorry or anything. It changed my view on life. Even now I feel like what purpose do I have since my friends don't like me anymore and I have no family to look up...

Last year my father and his family had moved to Texas and invited me to go. I really wanted to go sooo bad only because of my younger half-sister who I deeply loved so much and other reason that you guys can ask.
But I refused my father's offer... Why?
I-I couldn't live with myself leaving my close friends that I knew for sooo long and cherished and my family who I would be unable to spend time with them....but now sometimes I feel as if chose the wrong choice...with all things happening now. It will always be one of my biggest regrets..
Since me and my father had an extreme argument over my decision about not staying with them and with my family, it was so extreme we said things to each other that I regret...and as an punishment I was unable to talk to my step-sisters and younger sis. (I visited them during the summer last year) Soo it's been about more than half of year that I haven't spoken with them. What makes this worse? The argument had happens only a few days after my birthday...
It makes me feel sooo horrible that I'm unable to check up on my sister and how's she doing in school, if she even misses me, and much more she's grown. That's why sometimes when my friends unintentionally talk about their siblings, it makes it a touchy feeling for me to hear...
I lost my a close relative, my father and my family including seeing my sister (the gift of being an older brother) and recently losing my twin sister and a few of my close friends....finally I got news a few weeks ago that a really close family member has been diagnosed with a disease that affects that person life greatly.

I'll continue this probably tomorrow.
I don't want to go to sleep...I can see how my friends are going to excluded me through out the door, beginning with per.1..

Bye Everyone...!
~Nyte

P.S Horrific Real Like Nightmares+ Anxiety/Stress attacks+ loneliness = Depression!