Double Crossbow (Daryl Dixon) [The Walking Dead]

Chapter 21 ↣ Brendan?

"The past is never where you think you left it."

— Katherine Anne Porter

↣ ↢

Kathryn

BLACK WAS CREEPING around the edges of my vision as I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't break down. Not here. Not in front of people. I had wanted to find her. I had wanted her so badly to be okay. Looking to my boots, it hit me full force just how attached I was becoming to this group. I realized that there was only more of this down this path; only pain and loss. This was why I kept to myself. This was why I needed to to distance myself. This was why I would patch up the few cracks in my walls. 

I watched carefully as Beth approached a walker. Something twisted in my gut. Soon the walker had reached out and had a tight hold on her hair. She screamed, further twisting my stomach. Being the closest one, I ran over to her, slamming my boot on the walker's arm until it bent at a unnatural angle, no longer moving. I dragged Beth away from the walker as the rest of the group just started to circle the scene. I shielded the sobbing girl from the scene I knew was going to ensue. Beth fisted my shirt in her hands as she buried her head in my chest. The girl seemed so small in my arms, fitting perfectly under my chin as her body wracked with sobs. 

Very unsurely, I wrapped an arm around the girl's waist. I wasn't one for comforting people. I was the one people called on when they needed something skinned, not when they needed a shoulder to cry on. Yet, here I was, my shoulder drowning in salty tears. Hershel was soon in front of me, trying to get through to Beth. I removed my arm from the girl, and very gently pried her hands from my shirt. Hershel looked at me with mixed feelings. His eyes showing an odd mixture of gratitude, hatred, and sadness. 

I folded my hands in front of me, bowed my head, and took a step back. Hershel was naïve, but he was a good man. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, looking over, I saw Daryl's intense blue eyes were locked on me. 

Still feeling like I couldn't take a deep breath, I headed for the woods. I heard footsteps behind me, and it didn't take a detective to figure out who was following me. I stopped when I got to a clearing and started angrily pacing, glaring at Daryl every chance I got. His gaze didn't falter. The wind picked up, viciously whipping my hair around, but even the chill breeze couldn't cool the grief that was radiating off of me.

"You're gonna run holes in your shoes," he finally rasped. 

"That's the least of my worries right now," I snapped. A thought occurred to me, causing me to stop. "What's with you being the voice of reason all of a sudden?" Not fifteen minutes ago had I been completely secure in the fact that we'd find her. Prove to all the dipshits in this group that it could be done. That what had been lost could be found once again. I had been kidding myself this entire time. 

Daryl's gaze finally flitted away from me. He shrugged his shoulders and kicked at the dirt with the toe of his boot. "I ain't...mad. I'm..." he trailed off. 

My anger subsided, causing me to see just how broken he looked, how vulnerable. He was out here everyday. He thought that he had failed. "Hey, you tried hardest of all of us. Don't go beating yourself up about it." 

Daryl pushed himself off the tree and walked up to me with purpose in his step. "You tried just as hard as me." It was now my turn to shrug. I turned away from him, no longer feeling angry, but exposed. Daryl's hand wrapped around my wrist. "Don't walk away from me," he said quietly. It wasn't a demand, but almost a plea. "You said it was gonna hurt us more 'cause we tried, but I don't regret it."

Patch up the cracks. I pulled my hand from his grip and walked away. "Well, I'm beginning to."

"Kathryn!" Daryl snapped.