Double Crossbow (Daryl Dixon) [The Walking Dead]

Chapter 59 ↣ Can I leave it at that?

"we're all killers.
we've all killed parts of ourselves
to survive.

we've all got blood on our hands.
something somewhere had to die
so we could stay alive."

— m.a.w, if memories could bleed, if dreams could scream

↣ ↢

Daryl

NEITHER RICK NOR I had slept the entire night. We sat together in silence against the car and watched the sun come up. Kathryn was to my right. Her arm set up in one of Rick's extra flannels, the sleeves tied and hung at the back of her neck. She had been nodding off and waking up the entire night. She didn't stay asleep for longer than an hour maybe before jolting awake. I had my arm wrapped around her, the tips of my fingers running through her unfortunately cut hair.

Let down, it barely passed her collar bones now. I paused at the ends everytime and sunk a little deeper into my guilt. I wretched my gaze away from her and grabbed a bottle that was half filled with water. Tapping Rick's shoulder, I said, "You should clean up."

He replied, "We should save it to drink."

I continued to hold the bottle out. "You can't see yourself. He can." Carl and Michonne were asleep in the backseat of the car. Carl didn't need any reminders of last night. That was convincing enough. Rick took the bottle, retrieved his rag, and started working at the caked blood on his face.

My grip on Kathryn tightened involuntarily as I forced the words I had been thinking over and over in my head into reality. "I didn't know what they were," I said to Rick, dropping my eyes from his.

"How'd you end up with them?"

"I was with Beth. We got out together. I was with her for awhile." My throat closed up with more guilt. So I stopped not trusting my voice to hold steady.

"Is she dead?"

I raised my head. "She's just gone. After that, that's when they found me." I looked back to Kathryn. "I mean, I knew they were bad...but they had a code. It was simple. Stupid, but it was something. It was enough. And then she found me. We bailed."

"You were alone before," Rick said.

It didn't excuse anything. "Said they were looking for some guy. Kath and I...we thought it could be you. Thought we might beat them to you. I didn't know what they could do." My hand paused again at the edges of her hair. I swallowed hard to clear the knot in my throat created by Rick's stare. He'd hate me. She may come to as well.

Rick was quiet for a moment. Then said, "It's not on you, Daryl."

The words his me right in the chest. I wasn't sure I was breathing anymore.

"Hey," Rick said sharply. I raised my gaze to him. "It's not on you. You being back with us here, now, that's everything. She's a little beat up, but she's still standing. We're all still standing." He let out a laugh. "I was more scared of not getting up when she told me to than that guy." Rick stopped and stared at me. I forced myself to hold his gaze. "You're my brother."

Relief and...pride started to light up beside that heavy guilt. Brother? Rick had never lied to me, and as I looked at him now, I knew it was truth. He meant it. "Hey," I began, trying to keep my voice steady, "what you did last night...anybody would have done that."

"No," he replied. "Not that."

It then came together. Rick had guilt too. That heavy thing sitting on his chest. So I tried to ease it like he had done for me. "Something happened. That ain't you."