Down Chick

Chapter Nineteen: On the Low

Chapter Nineteen: On the Low…

For a moment all I could do as I stood there was open and close my mouth, then I sputtered. When my senses finally came back to me, I looked at him like he was crazy. What the hell was wrong with this fool? I was only nineteen. I wasn’t even twenty yet. As outraged and shocked as I was by his words, I was feeling a bit dazed.

Angel wanted me to be the mother of his children.

“You want what?” I shouted.

He sighed. “I want children with you,” he told me.

“No,” I told him. “No, just no all around. Were you not listening in the car? I’m not ready for any children right now. I’m nineteen. Too young and way too many things to still explore, for me to be having children.”

He looked at me blankly for a moment and then he stared directly into my eyes. “What is it that you want to explore?” he questioned. “What do you need to figure out that you can’t do while having a child?”

“I don’t know,” I retorted. “How about the fact that children are too much responsibility and that takes a moderate amount of maturity that I don’t possess.”

“You’re mature,” he told me. “You’re also responsible. Any children that we have you’ll take good care of them. You’d be a good mother.”

“I don’t know that,” I snapped, throwing my hands up. “I don’t know that at all.”

I turned away from him slightly, pushing his hands away from my stomach. What the fuck was this nigga on? I wasn’t ready for children. That was a lot of responsibility. I was only nineteen. I had three jobs. I wasn’t even in college. I didn’t want to raise a child to be like me. I was no good influence. The hell with what he said, I wasn’t sure that I’d make a good mother. How could I be a good mother and I’d never truly grown up with one? All of the women that I’d seen with children in this day and age were terrible mothers. They went ot the club instead of watching their children. They pushed their babies on their mothers. I didn’t want to be like that—even if I didn’t have a mother to push my child on. I didn’t want to rush anything or move to fast.

Hell, I wasn’t even sure that what was between Angel and I could be considered a relationship. We’d had sex once. I’d given him my virginity. Yet, thinking of his viewpoint I couldn’t help but contemplate it. He hadn’t forgot about me in three years. He’d waited for me to come of age. He’d been kind and considerate to me since I’d been placed into this situation involving around him. Hell, I was moving in with the guy and I wasn’t even complaining. Yet, the idea of kids with him wasn’t as repulsive as I thought it would be. I wanted kids one day, I just wasn’t sure that anytime soon would be that day.

“What if you’re already pregnant?” he asked.

The question was a good one. What if I was already pregnant? We hadn’t used condoms or any means of prevention and we’d gone at it for quite some time. I bit my bottom lip. If I was then I’d have to deal with the responsibility, but I didn’t know that I was pregnant that was the thing.

“If I am then we’ll deal with it when that time comes, but for now…the answer is definitely no.”

Angel nodded his head and shrugged. “Alright, mami, as long as you don’t have ideas of abortion, if you are pregnant,” he said casually.

“I would never do an abortion,” I told him.

I couldn’t. It just wouldn’t feel right. I’d spend most of my life thinking that I had murdered my baby. The potential regrets, along with other things made me wary of even thinking about it. If I was pregnant, then he was right. I had three jobs, he had his jobs. The baby would be well provided for.  The danger that surrounded Angel and me would always be there.