Unrequited

Chapter 16

Not a day goes by that I don't wish he was ours. That you were his mother.

The world is spinning around her at an uncontrollable pace. His words, the center of an emotional storm all around her. His touch is like rain. His pained expression like the wind. His confession like thunder.

Being the mother of his child.

In the depths of her mind it was the one dream that she never allowed herself to ponder too long. The guilt of wanting such a thing was overwhelming. Motherhood was something she wanted for so long. No one knew that more than him. And there was no one she wanted to be the father of her child more than him. She wanted him to protect their son or daughter the way he protected her. Fierce and unrelenting. But then the long shot of that dream was destroyed that one fateful day.

There are times in her life that will forever be etched in her memory. Some good, some bad but all unforgettable. She remembers exactly where she was and what she was wearing when her mom told her she was a child of rape. She remembers walking into Cragen's office on that cold December day when she was told her mother had an accident and died. She remembers the moment and the feeling in her heart when she stood at the end of the stairs watching while Noah was brought to her and rocking him in the old wooden chair in the foster home. And she remembers being in the drafty courthouse awaiting the news if she would be called to testify when Elliot uttered those two devastating words.

Kathy's pregnant.

She took a deep breath. Hiding her true feelings as best she could. The look on his face when she asked him what he was going to do she remembers as well. Despite the professional turmoil surrounding her, the news that he had another baby on the way with his soon to be ex-wife had drained any fight she had left. In a way, she had been almost grateful for the three month suspension she was handed because it gave her the physical distance from him that she so desperately needed.

She cut her hair, took a boring trip to the beach, cleaned excess clutter from her apartment and spent every second trying to rid herself of any further romantic thoughts about her partner. His confession about Kathy's pregnancy and inevitable return home confirmed that she was wrong about whatever she thought was brewing between them. But maybe she wasn't....after all this time...

"Liv?" Elliot asks, timidly placing his hand on her knee. "Are you okay?"

She shakes her head wiping away moisture on her face that may or may not be tears.

"Are you sure?" He whispers and she almost feels sorry for him. The whirlwind in her head is matching the anguish in his voice.

Olivia places her hand over his and squeezes gently. "I'm okay I just..." She exhales, tightening her grip around his hand hoping the words will come to her. "It's just... I didn't expect you to say that."

"I didn't either," he smiles halfheartedly, his thumb brushing her knuckles lightly. "I guess I just thought..shit since we were telling each other stuff now that you deserved to know that. It's something I've been keeping to myself for too long. But I couldn't..I couldn't say anything before."

Before.

Before when fate decided to put her in the car with Kathy and they got into a horrific accident. She had been genuinely frightened for Kathy's life because she knew it would kill him to lose her and the baby. So she put everything aside again and focused. A talent that she had quietly thanked a higher power for over the years. The ability to push love, emotions and jealousy away when it was necessary. She helped to save his wife's life and was the first to hold their son in the back of an ambulance when Kathy lose consciousness. As she watched the lines on the monitor flatline, she held on to Eli so tight.