Furtive | Tronnor

s i x t e e n

How did I let Troye become the best thing that I never wanted to happen to me?

The sentence ran through Troye's head like a mantra, his throat closing as he re-read the words over and over again and a series of questions settled inside of his head.

He actually completed someone?

He made them feel safe?

He was causing Connor to fall for him, even if that wasn't what he planned nor wanted?

Troye gasped as the realisation hit him like a runaway train. Everything within him, every repressed emotion, every unexplained feeling and thought was rising to his surface; he felt something so much deeper than aesthetic or mutual attraction to Connor. It was something more than a harmless crush.

And Connor was feeling the exact same.

Now he was the one who was terrified.

Troye leaned back, trying to compose himself as he continued to read over the scrawled handwriting with furrowed eyebrows. He decided to skip towards the latest entry, ignoring his conscious and continuing to delve further into the mind of Connor Franta.

Have the words in your head ever frightened you to the core? The phrases you are too nervous and vulnerable to actually speak aloud?

There are sometimes days where I feel more alive than I ever thought was possible. Days such as when a person I don't exactly know acknowledges me in the hallways at school, when my parents bother to ask about my day, where there's a nice customer in The Lovers Club. Things that others probably couldn't actually relate to, would find insignificant even, but somehow manage to create peace and tranquillity within me.

But then reality sets in, and I begin to realise the most horrible kind of things.

I realise that people only choose to acknowledge me when there is some kind of intelligent matter to attend to. I realise that my parents will probably forget the answer I feed to them before a matter of minutes have passed. I realise the bad customers in The Lovers Club outweigh the good ones, and many have forgotten the meaning behind the words no and stop. The peace and tranquillity within me is dispersed and I'm instead left with the familiar feeling on numbness.

I think feeling numb is worse than feeling pain.

Because when you have pain, at least you can sense something within you. When you're numb, it's just empty. It's nothing at all.

I want to be able to feel something again.

Even if that something isn't necessarily happy.

I long to feel human. He makes me feel human.

"What are you doing?"

Troye jerked in his place, almost dropping the book again in the process as he saw Caspar appear in the doorway.

"Casp! I was just, urm..." Troye trailed off, trying to find the right words to say.

"You skipped class just to read some book in the toilets?" Caspar asked with a raised eyebrow, his tone the perfect mixture of curious and confused.

"Sometimes Mr Chapman can get a little much for me?" The response came across as more of a question, but Caspar seemed to accept it nonetheless as he changed the subject.

"You kind of took it too far with him today, don't you think?"

Troye shrugged, trying to act upon the usual 'I don't care' façade he always had. "He deserved it! He always calls me out in class and you can't deny it."